Aubry has arrived!

The big ole ogre has landed! Well he landed on Monday, or Sunday. Whatever. Anyways, Friday is upon us, so time to gather the troops, lift up the boot straps, and get kicking. I took a picture of him at his desk, but he kindly / not so gently, asked me not to post it; therefore, I will have you entertain you devils with another wonderful picture of myself. Enjoy!!!

Stealin hats, Stealin hats, being a badasst

Just the Tip of the Day: Don't anger Belgians or they will not share their waffles. 

WHY AM I AN XXL? You're an XXL A-hole!

Sorry I haven’t posted every day. I am just really not that interesting. Aubry arrived to town! The big ole’ waffle. Good to have some company. Once he settles in and gets acclimated he will stop growling I am fairly certain. Haha, just excited for the weekend. Although he sticks to the rum and cokes, the company will be a nice change from the rando’s I keep entertaining. Walked the entire fashion street and then the entire Colaba causeway on Saturday. Makes me sad that on the street stalls I am an XXL and the shirt is still tight in the chest and arms. At least the stomach as too much room. Smoked a beedi, which is their equivalent of a cigar. Its super tiny, low grade tobacco. Coughing was mandatory. The architecture in South Mumbai is simply beautiful. I loaded three pictures below. Also, saw a dead body in a funeral procession, but thought it might be rude to take a picture. Ill post more interesting things when I find some trouble!!!

An office for a railway? Wish this was my office.

Building from the 1800's! Super Cooooool. 

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or...

 Just the Tip of the Day: Learn a little of the local language. If you scream “NO” and “I don’t want that” and “How much” constantly, people will give you a better price and beggars will leave you be. Except for the children. You have to kick them.

Shine bright like a diamond…

First a wise man once told me, Diamonds don’t shine, they refract. Rhianna can go suck it. He also said Be sure to eat plenty of quiche (not sure about that one). I might be paraphrasing, but I try to maintain a family friendly environment. Anyways, I might have recently thrown away my time to shine, but I am sure I will get the chance again. Of course, I am talking about Bollywood! Where every five minutes breaks out into a dance number, movies are 15 hours long, and apparently where all the beautiful women are hiding. I felt special, I really did. Then I remember that they ask everyone. I was approached by a man, later learned his name was Arnold, asking if I was European. I told him American, he paused, then said that’s fine we are looking for people who look European (insert white comment here). Knowing in India not to trust, not that it’s a bad thing, everyone is very sweet, but still, don’t trust anyone haha, I asked for his business card. Got it. Check. He offered me a spot as an extra. I said sure, but then I was told that the time was 7PM to 5AM. Nope. I volunteered that I was here for quite a while and would shoot him an email when Lindsay got here. I am assuming her and Aubry will be picked because they are as beautiful as me… oh wait… everyone gets picked. I can’t wait for my fifteen minutes of fame for 500 rupees (under $10 for 10 hours of work). Who knows? When they break out in a dance number I might whipped out some Melanie taught choreography and the 15 minutes might erupt into a life time of living the Bollywood high life. Shine bring like a diamond indeed my friend. 

I'm the one without the shirt. Man, if Mama could see me now. 

Wicked Wickets and Wiley Whispers

Coke vs. Pepsi. Buckhead vs. Little 5. Griffin Door vs. Slytherin. GA vs. GA TECH. These are rivalries. In cricket, there is only one: India vs. Pakistan. The match was on Saturday, and I was told I needed to go to a bar and watch it. Not that you have to convince me to go to a bar. Now deciding on a bar… that’s an issue. We already saw I braved the train, so I did not stay in Bandra. I am currently reading Shantaram, a novel written by an escaped felon about India (thanks A$). Well this novel managed to make one bar famous: Leopold’s. This watering hole is located in Colaba, and the upstairs had A/C! I am in! As an FYI for the readers out there (not really a spoiler), in the novel, the Indian hookers are allowed upstairs and the European ones are made to stay on the ground floor. I saw no such thing, so don’t go thinking I’m in a place I shouldn’t be haha.  300 rupees ($5) for a big beer (basically two beers). Not bad. Here is the tv I watched the match on. Sadly, rained out.

Got one of the guys to take my picture. So pretty.

Just the Tip of the Day: Wicket! It’s a freaking Wicket! Run! What is going on?!?!?!

Its just street food son... calm down

So, I think my stomach is adjusted. Went for the true test. Street food. Death from Cart. I thought something fried might be better, since the oil could kill anything. So I ordered a Samosa feeling real cool and manly (besides a few 6 year olds chowing down). They gave me the food, and with it a sauce they crushed and probably mixed with Bombay water. Whatever, stuff was delicious. Look at that stash!! Also i just realized I think that guy and I were wearing the exact same shirt hahaha.

Just the Tip of the Day: If someone gives you something to eat, you eat it! Why you gonna be rude like that?

Now that she's back in the atmosphere...

I did it, I rode that train. Come on ride the train hey ride it woo woo. Come on ride the train hey ride… 

Anyways, I was told riding the train in Mumbai is life threatening and scary… Maybe I went at the wrong time? Even my co-workers told me not to go without them. I must say… kind of a disappointment on the adrenaline rush level. I later learned its because I utilized the public transportation on the weekend. And not at rush hour. Still I got some pretty cool pictures. 

They have 1^st class tickets (which are priced higher to basically cut down on volume in the one car), and compartments for women (good for you India), but no one really checks the tickets haha. I still bought the 1^st class because I didn’t know what to expect. The doors do not close (fresh air and instant death policy), and at rush hour, apparently they are hanging out the sides. Fans also in the car brought some relief. Anyways, here are the awesome pictures! Round trip First class = 120 rupees or around 2 USD. Now why would I take the dishonest cabbie ride to Colaba that would actually take longer? Loving me some train

Just the Tip of the Day: I would recommend all females stay on the female only compartment, or in 1st class with a group if its not rush hour. 

Sorry I have been out of commission for a few days! Working 10 – 12 hours a day does not suit me… especially when I don’t have that much to work on. I hope to get out this weekend for some bad ass pictures, maybe get tailored for a suit, find a custom shoemaker (a cobbler that can cobble if you will), watch the India vs. Pakistan cricket match (Go Team!), and maybe hit up a few eating establishments, drink some daru, run around aimlessly, get lost a few times, workout and sleep. Now I have been getting lots of comments for some selfies while I am at the gym, but this isn’t that sort of blog. So Ian and FP you can stop your nagging. Got some better pictures of the sea link commute when the rain wasn’t coming down!!

Just the Tip of the Day: lack of intellectual property rights... is awesome.  

Road Trip planning!!!

Nothing new to report, so I thought I would make you guys jealous with my future plans! My Dad, sister, bromantical bro-in-law, and the little lady are coming to India! After my work ends on August the 15, we are doing the sub-continent the right way! We kicked around a thousand ideas, I nixed Goa as I have already been there and it’s just a beach, but there is a problem… India is freaking huge! I mean massive! Take Texas were everything is big, add some steroids, Super Size Big Mac diet, and that’s how big India is. India is the fat person that you cringe when you see walking towards you and you are on an elevator (or where you have to pack up a flight of stairs cause there ain’t no room). Anyways, we thought of flying everywhere, but that is wasted time in the air (you could be outside smelling the fresh… oh wait). So… Here we go! Road Trip son!!! Ian Breezy would be oh so proud (except that I have a map). Baby steps… baby steps.

Open to any suggestions as well! We haven’t really planned out our time but there are highlights. I am riding a freakin’ camel in the desert (Its on my life to do list, which several of you know about), Udaipur has the James Bond hotel (sister demand), Taj Mahal (Dad and lady demand), and Varanasi (I want to see a cannibal demand). So what are your guys thoughts? Any other place within a stone’s throw we can knock out? I say if we find extra time we just drive north towards the Himalayas (since we will fly out of Varanasi to Mumbai for the flight home). And I demand hippie van!

Just the Tip of the Day: Like America where you don't eat yellow snow, in India... don't drink the water. 

Beware!

Damn you tricky cabbies!

Got one that actually hacked his meter, so the price hikes would jump faster and higher. Guess that is what I get for not watching or glancing at it till the end. Argued for a while, called him a bad person, something about karma (they have that right?), and a few other things. Considering he was the only one to pick me up in the 15 minutes I was waving cabs down... I paid him. Damn.. Im a sucka. Next time, Tuck and Roll!!!

Just the Tip of the Day: Tuck and Roll!

Styling Profiling

With the sound of the fan, the crows, the rain, the honking, the drilling... I need some headphones! So I went to the local electronics store, which was out of power (Ha!). I stopped by the day before the browse, and obviously got a different price quoted to me. The guy tried to charge me full retail for a pair of fake Beats by Dre! I laughed and told him that I wouldn't pay 100 USD for fake headphones. I messed with the headphones and offered him what I thought was a reasonable price (and what I researched on the internet)... so check them out! 

Stylin' Profilin' She's sizing me up. 

Now what I saw next I knew I needed with the noise pollution. Check out the phone above! Plugs into my laptop (and apparently phone) for some skype calling!! Retro chic. 

Just the Tip of the Day: Everything is up for negotiation... everything. 

Rainy Days, Good food

Rainy Sundays, just makes you want to lay in bed all day watching movies, but a man has to eat. I walked to a restaurant near me called Eat just around the corner. The place was very tidy, modern, and nice. The concept is counter ordering, which is how they keep costs low I guess. I will definitely be back. Look at the size of that small salad!

 Mozzarella, tomatoes, on romaine… mmmm

Look at that chicken burger and fries!

 

Okay the chicken burger wasn’t that great, but I made that choice, and all for 560 rupees which menas with the exchange rate I received the first night at my hotel, the total was 10.63. Nice….

Just the Tip of the Day: One word with regards to working in India during monsoon: Galoshes 

Drank

So this happened! After some Kingfisher at Toto’s, I went to a place called Rude Lounge with the tag… spoils ur bad mood. The club had three floors, loud thumping music, but no dancing. So the DJ spun music while everyone sat, ate, and drank. The best part of the night was this little guy. He danced around behind the bar with a crazy amount on energy. He could do all the bottle tricks we have all witnessed. The best had to be the flaming shots though. He mixed blue curacao and maybe 151 into a wine glass. He then stood on the bar, lit the libation on fire, reached over, grabbed the customers chin, and poured the drink through the air into their mouth. After, he closed their mouths and violently shook their heads as a mixing technique. Odd? Yes. Fun? You betcha. Also he did this little fun trick (illusion Michael) with a red bull.

Just the Tip of the Day: Drinking with random hooligans on the sidewalk after the bars close is probably not the best idea. They will always, always, attempt to sell you hash. 

"Pharmacies" in India

So my legs were still a wreck this morning haha. I went and worked out, then headed over the Pali Hill to get some veggies and fruit. Sadly, I think I beat them to the punch, cause no one was out this morning. I remembered that I needed some aspirin, so I stopped by a shop that said Medicinal etc. with a cross above the awning. I picked up the necessities, sunscreen, more soap, etc. I went to the counter and asked what painkillers they had. Now thinking about it, that is probably a weird question. In the US, I’m sure I would have been kicked out as a junkie. Not batting an eyelash, the guy pulled out some tablets (not in a box) and said aspirin. At that moment, another shooting pain went through my leg. I winced and said okay, do you also have anything else? Again, this is the point where the methhead gets kicked out. Without hesitation, the man fumbled through some stuff under the counter and pulled out a that tinfoil package containing six tablets. You know the one… the one that usually comes in a box. He said here, take one a day. I paid and left. I grabbed the meds and started to take one. I decided that was probably the normal instructions on the box (take one for pain, or two), so I took another. Returning to my flat, I decided to do some research. Apparently I was given Cip-zox… which is a Schedule H drug in India. For those not up to snuff on Indian medical catagories, Schedule H is a drug that requires a prescription. Haha, so apparently I was given prescription drugs. On a side note, I feel fine and think they might have the potency of a Tylenol max, nothing too bad like other drugs I have been prescribed in the past (for injuries etc.). At any rate, the legs are kicking, and I can go out now and explore to get you guys more pictures!

Just the Tip of the Day: If you ask the guy in the pharmacy for something stronger, be sure to read the label and google the drug. 

Sore!

Man I am sore. That personal trainer really kicked it up a notch, but I know that this was of my own doing. Traditionally, I never worked out legs. I would do as little cardio as possible, but forget squats. Before climbing, I had the problem of working out “Glamour muscles,” but not developing any real strength… like this guy.

But after a hard leg workout, I could barely walk. I looked freaking dumb walking down the road trying to hail a cab. Some guy on the road actually tried to help me get into the cab. Not doing that again. Slow and steady wins the race. Also, went to bed early, so I don’t really have anything to talk about. Mutton curry is declicious as is garlic Naan. I highly suggest it. Having servants at work is still odd, but I am gradually getting into the groove of letting them wipe off my soft drinks and making cucumber and tomato sandwiches as a snack. Also, they take whatever I ordered for lunch and serve it to me… white table style. Plates, forks, and come over and continuously add more to my plate from the box. This is kind of the life.

On a side note, Halloween costumes. Ian and Crowell… I propose the birds of war. Let me know your thoughts.

Just the Tip of the Day: Baller, Shot Caller, 20 inch blades on the rickshaw. A caller, getting Bolly tonight, beedi rolled tight,Bandra night quite a sight

Getting my Hair Did...

This is the third haircut I have received in Asia, and every time… I am impressed. My hair was not always long, such as the other two haircuts, so I was very nervous. A crew cut is different from taming a wild lion’s mane such as the beast known as Irvin, but I am willing to give anyone a shot. I almost went to the salon in Mumbai, but the price would be nearly equal to the United States. I thought that the odds of me being satisfied with the cut at that price in an emerging country were slim, so grab the brass ring with your balls and go for the gold. I found the perfect place. Hopefully you can see the shack in the picture below. The waiting room was a short stool on the street. As I sat down, I anxiously smiled at the old man. He knew one word, “Short?”.  I told him no, and tried to make motions about cutting the sides and back, but leaving the top pretty much the same. Then he started his work. He used a water bottle and a pair of scissors. This took some considerable time due to my length, but he kept going at it like a wild man. He took a little off the top in the beginning, and about midway through went for the top again. I protected my locks and told him the top was good, and the back was where it was at (obviously I also need to write movies and award speeches for AVN awards). He cut my hair, then ruffled through as hard as he could till it all fro’ed out. Then he cut again. He finished up, grabbed the mirror, and should me his mona lisa. That man was a master. He listened, performed, and perfected. Shame he was in a shack on the side of the road. The haircut was supposed to be 30 rupees, but he charged me 50… probably cause I declined a straight edge shave and my hair was so freaking long. He has no number, card, or address, but he is across a bar called Tito’s! Tell him the Bret Michaels sent you (inside joke about my headscarf inserted here).

Ghost of Mumbai

Traveling towards the Sea Link Toll Road:

Apparently the above and below spots are considered very romantic. I did not see Durant or Valerie... which made me sad. 

Joined the gym last night, so the first workout was today. Supposedly, this is the nicest gym in Mumbai... and you obviously never know how good it is back stateside. I will say this though, the gym comes with trainers. Praveen (I think) kicked it up a notch, and I feel like I did a Crowell workout (killing it). I was hoping for a younger, more attractive crowd at my gym, but nope. They tried to make me do lots of cardio, which I'm pretty sure translates into "fat f'er." Funny, I am larger than some of the trainers. I need to lose weight, so India + gym = dream. Plus this place is like hot yoga because I think hell burst a vent onto earth in Mumbai. To steal Lawrence's line I am Sweat... before Sweat... before swagger! Keep you updated from the bollywood!!!


Just the Tip of the Day: If a man tries to hold your hand or wrap their arm around you, this is not necessarily a sexual advance. This could be a sign of kinship; therefore, please stop punching Indians in the face. 

Also, if anyone can make this shirt for me (my name)... I will pay you 400... rupees.

If I could find an honest taxi driver in India… well I wouldn’t kiss him, but I might give him a big ole hug. I swear, I have only been here for two days, and after gaining my bearings, I realized these guys were just driving me in circles! Yelling never helps, so if you find yourself in this situation, just make a motion that they were driving in circles, look mean, and give them what you think is right… then get the hell out of the car. Bandra W. to Worli, according to my coworkers should cost 120 INR (via sea link). Since I know that is the local price, I am willing to give 150 (a difference of 53 cents). But man… I would pay more for the time saving if I could just get a good one. I had a driver in Cambodia named Meth (also had most of his teeth and brilliant skin unlike Meth in the US). That guy was a godsend. $12 a day for a driver, and he was happy to do it! I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, I have had cabbies in Atlanta try to take me around different ways (especially on NYE). Anyways, that is my rant for the day, I will send a happier one later.

Just the tip of the day: No A/C with a temperature in the mid 80’s at night can be miserable. Take a few shots… calm down… and let the whiskey guide you to slumber

Taking the Scenic Route

On the way home:

I stood next to the taxi, immediately regretting not taking an electric rickshaw. Of course the A/C broke, the cars always do, but this driver bested them all. His entire car broke down near the sea link toll bridge. As he fiddled with the engine, I stared out into the ocean… so polluted not even the poor dare wash there. The driver fixed the rig, and we continued our journey. He became lost, to my irritation, and drove me 45 min more than he needed. I still paid the same rate that I thought was more than generous. 150 rupees, or 3 bucks.

Just the Tip of the Day: Crossing streets in Asia is the closest you might get to a reality frogger series. Jump on it Fox. Ian Breeze could be your William Hung

Four Seasons Hotel

Obviously, when I reached the office and was informed that the company was closed for Sunday, I started to slightly worry. I went to the Gold's Gym, hoping for a shower, and maybe to locate a room. I reached the destination to realize that the gym is under renovations... or closed... or something. The place looked like thieves came through and stripped the copper out of the walls like we witness in Atlanta. So, then I really panicked. Talking to cabbies (I remember them speaking better English a decade ago), I realized I was in a jam. They didn't understand anything, such as Internet cafe, and wanted a specific address... and I had no where to go. Guess what they did understand? Four Seasons Hotel... so that's where I ended up, obviously as a reward to myself for... messing up? Hey... A for Effort. Anyways, that place is posh! Check the email I sent out to the family below about it.

also the spa at the 4 seasons is amazing! I did an early workout, they have two special showers hot or cold with do a tropical rainfall while you are jet sprayed on either side by six jets (total). Also the hot tub is individual chaise lounge type things with the jets beneath you. And they have something that drops ice shavings out of the ceiling into a bowl. you can grab and rub yourself... awesome. 

Probably shouldn't have told my family I was rubbing myself down with ice shavings... but maybe that's normal for the Mumbai Four Seasons? At any rate, I highly recommend staying there, at least for the spa. But everyone knows how I feel about bathrooms. Also, I think I am officially over 24 hours without sleep. Yay! Still have lots to do today, and they said I could use the spa till 10pm... so that will definitely happen. As a side note I promise more pictures as soon as I can!

Clintja

Yesterday

Here is the deal. Got a place! Obviously took the first one I could find since I was in a panic. The rent is only 500.00 a month! And here is why… I am living with a family (Indian) that has lived before in America. Husband, wife, and child (approximately 2-3). Also, there is another roommate, and Indian girl from San Fran. I have no A/C, and I am allowed no guests. Location is in the heart of where I want to be though, and I figured whatever. Told the Belgian Brawler to start looking for a place immediately (calling is beneficial). I found mine on craigslist (which some expats here utilize). For apartments it seems that brokers want a month’s rent to charge, so that might be an issue for most (especially with short term leases). Told Aubry if he found a place that is nicer (which it has to be compared to mine), I will split the rent with him from July – August 15. I truly hope he finds a baller place. I will just consider my 500 for July a sunk cost.

Just the Tip of the Day: Until you learn the basics, screaming does not make anyone understand English especially when riddled with vulgarity. Oh... and Namaste