Xmas suffers blunt force trauma from NYE: Still on loose.

As promised. 2 posts in one week? Christmas come early? Christmas in your mouth (a shot of fireball and whynatte… delicious and sanitary). I’m back with New Year’s revolutions… errr. Resolutions. Nope. First one. I am taking over! Anyone else want to negotiate? If you are a beautiful woman and you got that reference, I love you and think we should probably investigate the world together over a period of… say… the rest of our lives.

Funny... this is how my first dates usually end when I am asking about the second date... I have no idea why I am single. Is it the bleach blonde hair? I probably was better as a brunette... yeap.  that has to be it. 

New Years resolution: Write more about consulting. Is this a dating blog? A consulting blog? Pure comedy? A tradegy that is my life? I don’t know, but I do know my business school professors aren’t reading this $hit, so I need to write more about consulting. And buzzwords. Maybe a combo of consulting and the women of consulting… we can have a calendar. Give it to our clients. Value add and bird dog that boys, we have a winner! Okay that is the first one, the rest are personal, and not. Whatever. Stream of consciousness. An occurrence at Owl creek bridge.

Hey. Let's be honest with each other. I am not going to change. Just like you aren't going to admit the worst mistake of your life was not attempting to impregnate me. Its okay. Stop crying. We have all been there. Also, when you get a chance, can I have some more ketchup? Thanks! What? I can't have children? WHY WOULD YOU SAY I'M BARREN?!?! Oh... lack of womb. Gotcha. 

Next Revolution! Learn from me, do as I say… not as I do. I am attempting to no longer date women in the service industry, and no not “that” servicing industry… sickos. I am not going to date women in the restaurant industry. The majority (read… 99.9% I have met) are either self-sabotaging, dumb, addicts, or possess severe mental issues… or a combo of all (my fave). Sure they are hot, but there are more perils than an Indiana Jones movie. They will resent you for what you are, brilliant, or not recognize because their eyes are covered in gunk from the grease. Whatever the case, there will not be acceptance. They will either hate you for your career, or resent you for it. Luke… you know this to be true. Anytime you make a suggestion, you will “be coming down on them.” It’s like calling a girl crazy for a guy. Immediate awesome defensive technique. If you really thought they were crazy, you sure as hell wouldn’t tell them. And if you did, it would be in a padded room with a fat doctor Phil look alike with a sedative two feet away ready to be plunged into that Bitches neck.

Alright guys. We can do better. Better defense mechanisms than "you're crazy." I think the female population is catching on. Then we will have to make it an endgame scenario where you do have to plunge a needle in their neck, make a kill room, kill them, dispose of body, and fool everyone around you that you aren't a psychopath. Doesn't that seem like too much work? Just say something else. Like "You just never listened to the teachings of General Mao! You will never understand!" See? Boom. You are out of whatever trouble you got yourself into. Cause... now they think you are communist.*

*Not guaranteed to work on the Chinese  

Back to restaurants… I can hear the thunderous roar from the women in the industry now. You elitist A-hole, yuppie, hating, baby eating, but incredibly irresistible… then they trail off cause they saw something shiny. Don’t hate. I worked at BK for like 8 years. I am speaking from experience and am almost at a statistically significant sample size at this point (not sex mind you. Don’t want all you people out there thinking I am some dirty Casanova or something. I’m talking dates, dating, holding hands. Wear a glove). Every time I have dated someone in the industry, it has gone wrong (personal). My buddy, Windy only dates doctors, lawyers, and those people. “You people” seems like a good idea. Not being snobby, I am being realistic. At this point you speak a different language. They speak whatever hell their language is, and we speak consultant. It’s the same as trying to date a girl from Prague that doesn’t know a lick of English. Basically a mail order bride concept. Not saying you are better, just saying the distance is too far to cross. The chasm too great for an honest, wonderful relationship where people see us as the relationship personification of Bambi. So recently (yesterday. let’s be honest), I decided not to date in that industry anymore. That basically leaves me finance (ew), consulting (don’t tip the company pen / I hope I have a job in 2 months / maybe the best option / please don’t tell HR), retail (envisioning same problems), tech (are there girls in tech?), or mining… so if you know a coal miner’s daughter that can swing a sweet axe. Send her my way.

See. Not a coal miner nor a restaurant worker. However, she only shows up every 5,000 years. Damn. I got free time in like 30? No? Well, too be honest all I wanted to do  is watch you vacuum out your car… in yoga pants. (thanks Crowbar for the line of the day) #MTFU

My suggestion for a new year’s resolution for you. Stop Sexting and Dick pics. As men we love pictures sent to us. This is life. The female form is beautiful. Look at all the famous art. Men, not beautiful. When the paragon of beautification was invented eons ago, it was a woman that was the result. That is why the words beautiful and pretty, feminine words, roll off the tongue like a sexy fondue date next to a fire pit on the skin of a wolf carcass, while handsome, masculine sounding word, sounds like a bag full of baby walruses getting slammed by a German with a sledgehammer while screaming the lyrics to Evita  = not pretty.  Science. Fact.  So, don’t do it. Anyways, if you are a guy, you normally don’t want to send one of yourself (under the assumption you will be super successful like Representative Weiner one day), so you do your best to fool them. So it needs to be close. But then you are that guy on the computer looking at penis pics all day. Probably at the office. And tasha noticed you. $hit, she has a big mouth. It’s not what it looks like, but she is going to go ahead and tell the whole office your obsession with d1cks. Dammit. This is why you don’t sext, and definitely not as an adult.

Same for sexting. Best be ready to show the world. Just think about how much fun public sex is... is that a reason to sext? Hell no. That means go outdoors and get freaky. Too cold? Is there a hot tub? can we zip our snow jackets together to form some sex caterpillar stance while rolling around on the ground? Winter is coming... which they all freak out about but from watching the show it just means sex in caves with hot springs. Hell yea winter, hurry up brother. 

Finally:

And if you are a guy, don’t work out more. I already have enough competition with naturally fit people and these Googlites running around making it ran as they pop bubbles on their pocket protectors. So just don’t. Girls? Go for it, but to be honest. It’s all in the diet.

I just needed a reason to post this. It makes me giggle. Also, very reminiscent of my running style in Crissy Field.

Consultant Christmas Party Shenanigans and NYE resolutions

Ten days from the last post? I am sorry to deprive you people! I am sure you were wallowing in a gutter constantly checking your iphones. Maybe the signal is lost? Maybe Johnny died? Maybe the Iran's Revolutionary Guards got him? Nope. Just been busy, actually not at all. Just tired, recouping, in a bio-medical bath like Luke. So. Here. We. GO! 

Happy religious holidays everyone! Tis the motherf’n season! Whether you are Jewish, Christian, or something I don’t really know (read don’t care) about, this is the time of year for celebrations. And what are celebrations without bubbles? A recent friend of mine is amazed at my love for champagne, and that it warms her heart and makes her smile when she thinks about how much my infatuation for the bubbly continues. Same as my crush on Kristen Bell. It will never end. You can’t have a bad day on champagne. Wake up? Mimosa. Good to go. Bad day, champagne toast that you are the greatest human being ever. Even if it just you, alone, with the bottle, in front of the mirror, with no clothes on. Whatever. Don’t judge me.

Some people compare me to Hank. Great looking, creative, irreverent, and in complete and utter denial. Just saying... he might have Karen, but he also has a kid and a drug problem. I have no kid (please, god, no) and no drugs in my system (today), anyways I prefer the champagne. I might not have Karen, but I'm calling this one. Johnny: 1 Hank: 0! Halftime! 

Let’s be honest about what I am. An eccentric, borderline crazy idiot savant, that goes on random tangents that are funny, creative to the financial world that dances on legality, that knows tons of weird stuff…. How I am not a billionaire, I don’t know. I'm like Mark Cuban… without the money or boyish good looks. God he is so hot right now. Just beat up the SEC. Any…who… as consultants (see that DEEP transition right there?), we have to play the cards right on a semi-consistent basis. We want to play the game like Omar, take as much as we can, and try not to get shot by a nine year old, or in our cases, someone with the IQ of a nine year old (haven’t seen the Wire? Then F you. You don’t deserve to watch it without spoilers… seriously; it’s a really old show at this point). Back to the holidays, back to consulting, apple butter… words. My company Christmas party was Saturday. I would say epic, but merely that was what we made it. A beer, wine only bar a party doesn’t make. But they had champagne, so I give them a pass.

How a real party should be. I call dibs. She's so misunderstood. No one likes her cause of her caustic attitude. Yeap, definitely no one would ever hit on her in school... I love romcoms. And health ledger. And consulting. 

Well, this guy Johnny Consultant. Didn’t have a date. I know right? Hard to imagine with my feminine good looks and pudgy body (wait… rugged good looks and ripped body! Dammit!). At the last moment I convinced a co-worker from a different office to join the posse since we haven’t seen her in forever. Besides that my evil intentions were to see if there was any underlying googley eyes possible. She is wonderful, absolutely gorgeous, intelligent, and… completely unavailable. Boom! At this point I think I might actually be on the Truman Show. Can we get to the season where I find someone dammit?! I want that saved by the bell wedding in Vegas! Except not in vegas. Maybe in a church in the mountains overlooking Eastern Europe. Whatever.  A girl can dream right? Possibly at this point I need to clarify to people that don’t actually know me that I am male. With male parts. And a desire to be with a female. Good? Alright. Moving on people.

Pretty much sums it up. Don't worry, the night is darkest before the dawn. Actually, I'm pretty sure that is scientifically incorrect. F&CK YOU SCIENCE. Also, I cry at night listening to Jack Johnson and eating Rocky Road ice cream. I don't even like ice cream. I just heard it was catnip for ladies. 

Anyways, I didn't epically crash and burn (epically is not a real word. Like my life). She was super sweet and let me down like a gentle baby in the manager (tits the season after all... haha! child humor!). Which… obviously made me like her more. Crap! Back to the point. I have come up with some New Years resolutions for myself (not real ones as I intend to break everyone, and possibly a bone or two). First one. Stop caring. Oh you thought I didn't already? You ain't seen $hit yet. Two: Stay Sober one day on the weekend. Not a problem. I am just tired. Instead of spitting game, I literally have been spitting as I try to talk to women. A good first impression this does not make. I have others, you will see them in the next blog post. This is just the start. It’s a revolution. Buffalo soldier. Stuff. Penguins and Ostriches.  Also, if a girl isn't available. Maybe… just maybe… you should look elsewhere? And… there is the first break. Talk to ya’ll soon! 

Thanks for letting me vent people. And by vent, I mean wearing a vented tuxedo ready to MTFU and take over the world one perfectly planned devious plot at a time. Also.. Another reason to cut back, the massive amount of ribs I have been eating. Why doesn't Drunk Johnny love celery, juicing, and ab workouts?!?! WHY?!?!

Value Management, mental erections, life stories, and true love...

Alright. First off, I have to vent. I keep getting cookies. Not the awesome kind either (thin mints and oreos suck, screw you American opinion). The ones saying “this website has nude photos of someone you know” and this is a work computer! And no, I’m not looking at porn… geez. I’m watching television illegally. That’s like the Punky Brewster of sins. Anywho, does that work on people? I have to be honest, 90% of the people I know are either guys, women I don’t want to see naked, family, repeat. So… there is a 10% chance this will be awesome vs. OH DEAR LORD! GRANDMA?!?!  Yea… so F you internet. Not going to do it. Not going to click… $hit… I clicked.

Just as powerful... much more dangerous. The mental erection. If you want to know more email me at suds_n_bubbles@needadate.com . Only female applicants please. Yes, the unicorn is included. Also, can't in good conscious put a gif of punky brewster on her. She committed the ultimate sin against men. Seriously?!? A reduction?!?!

Alright... now for the kickoff. Value management, that’s what we consultants do. We are paid by clients to deliver some sort of valuable solution through rose colored lenses that they never thought of before because they were either A. Scared B. Stupid C. A & B or D. more worried about their erectile dysfunction secret becoming known to their new girlfriend. Don’t worry ladies. I won’t leave you out. Or… if a woman client, she is concentrating on never being able to climax either to A. She’s in her own head B. The guys sucks C. She sucks or D. her va jay jay has teeth (only happened to me… once). Basically, the client is never normally truly dumb, but it’s a combination of angst, self-loathing, 9 – 5ism, or needing a scapegoat. The solution is almost secondary. The true value is the warm and gooey feeling we give our client when we let them inside us *cough* deliver the “value added solution through creative brainstorming / boiling the ocean sessions resulting in a deliverable.”

This is how I feel in most meetings. My boners are meeting shy. No idea why. Now for dates on the other hand... nope. Still fearful. I wish women would stop being mean haha. I swear its not me. Also anything with teeth not in the mouth should be killed. Happy hunting boys. 

The problem as consultants, is we stray away from this value management (don’t worry the fun stuff comes below, like me… how is that not a shirt yet??). We forget our job. The client says I want Revenues up 2% over the year, and boom, like trained gogo girls, we start sashaying or hips, gyrating the pelvis, till revenues are up 2% (I know, I know.. you didn’t want that visual of me. If you did… please don’t call me. I don’t want to be with you). This is the same problem we have with dating (see the normal thought process? Every. Damn. Week.)  Honestly I don’t even know if this is a consultant blog anymore. Maybe dating advice? Maybe advice you should never follow? Maybe me venting. Maybe me declaring how great my life is? A Hate Charlotte blog? Its life. Who knows. I think we get the answer key when we die. No… that’s cool, you go first and hand the answer key back to me. Thanks buddy. 

*Swishes hair back* Alright I am back folks. Value management. We shouldn’t worry about the 2%, there are real reasons behind it. That’s the focal point. Do we really want to bed the girl home in the bar? (Circle one. Yes, No, Maybe, Is that rhetorical?!). Or are we so desperate for human interaction that we will take one night of fake emotional intimacy to fill our gas meter up for a few hours? Light that cigarette, take that mimosa, and cry one tear. Just one. No one will see. So, forget the 2%, forget the getting laid. Think about what the value is you are looking for? Love, sexual interaction. Either way, the one night stand won’t work. Love is love. And Sexual Interaction… well once sucks, why not make it a continuous festival of gratuitous carnal hedonism? Mmmm… carnal sounds like caramel. My favorite sex candy. The liquid kind, not the hard kind. Weirdo.

Note: Does not work in a bar! Repeat... does not work in a bar! Keep your hopeless romanticism to yourself Johnny!!!  And I thought I looked fancy in pearls. Now hand me the caramel.... 

  And you thought I forgot about the client cause of my tangent? Forget you like Ceelo forgets vegetables. The girl that you are taking home? Think she is interested in a one night thing? Come on man. You don’t look like AC Slater. Simply put, clients sometimes have blinders on, and our job is to remove the blinders without spooking the horse.  Find the value she wants. Daddy issues? Be the guy that she won’t take home. Vulnerable from the love of her life dumping her after she cheats? Be loving, but firm. Normal girl? Be yourself. Hahaha, you actually bought that for a second didn’t you? Find the value. I’m not saying don’t be yourself. I am saying display and accentuate the personality traits where she will find value. Obviously some things you can’t overcome. Lesbians won’t like guys, just like some girls don’t like fatties. Its life. We all have our prejudices. But… big ole butt, if you can get past the initial subconscious “would I F this guy” test. The rest is icing and sealant (don’t eat anything I bake… ever). So… go making some f’n money with a client or go to your nearest bar and find your own Disney Princess (I called dibs on Ariel and Cinderella… I’m sure one will have me).

See? Its like meant to be! She's a crazy ass princess, and I am a big ole hairy beast man with a loving, kind personality trapped within. And fangs. Just grab my cheeks, scream at me, then plant one on me. Just be aggressive! Dammit! How are we suppose to die together if you don't?!?! Wait? I have to do stuff? Pass... where's the girl with all the tattoos about some dragon? I have a wide variety of tastes.. Whatever, I just want to be loved haha. 

Communication: The way of the Consultant... and ramblings

Best advice given today from me:

Jessie: “Hey I’m going back on TV!”

Johnny: “That’s awesome. Wear something slutty, otherwise you look like one of the twins off full house.”

Still awaiting a response…..

Alright, sheeple. We are going to have a real consulting topic… I say this every time and like the cookie monster, I grab the dough, backwards spoon, and pop a light. Phew… glad that’s off my chest. Now you are responsible. Because, you know if you hear someone tell you a problem, it’s your job to fix it. I wish that worked at the office. Hey Jim, I’m really bummed cause that report is going to keep me up all night I might just eat too much Chinese food and kill myself with diabetes. Then boom, Jim does the work. And you get free insulin (which I hear is like huffing cat piss). Win… motherf’n win.  See?!?! Already off topic. Communication! There I got the title out. We are talking about communication!

You may be tempted to give this boilerplate answer... but it won't work in a client meeting. But surprisingly might work in Cosmo bar at 2:30AM. 

One of the biggest hurdles we face as consultants is ourselves. For being the second coming of the Christ of communication, we are pretty bad at it. Sometimes we revert to boilerplate answers. Drugs? Rehab. That shit is expensive holmes. How about I lock you up for 3 weeks with bread and water and we sweat it out? Like a cross between Black snake moan and Wanderlust, except with me copulating with Jennifer Anniston a whole lot more. See? Creativity! And you were just going to throw your ex into rehab cause she is doing “lemonade testing” behind the liquor store for change to buy crack while you are sitting at the office, playing Facebook, working on excel, and listening to some Lana Del Rey, making bank… THAT gentlemen, is the American dream. You guys never had that happen? Yea, you are right. I have to stop dating crack heads.

Did you know that EBT cards are now plastic cards? No more stamps... and taken at some ATMS... next to strip clubs, liquor stores, and swingers conventions... F yes! Gimme that sweet government subsidies! Cause its every man's right to get a lapdance... 'Merica!

The other problem? We come across as arrogant asses. Value add, Synergies, best practices (my bedroom name), Bottleneck, Birddog (buddy’s bar name), Boil the ocean (I also use this term for when I have to pee), EOD, SME,  the list is forever long… these words make us sound like Lord Fyouverymuch from the village of Cismywytass. We have to battle this. Now as we all know I am single, and happy… fine… just single… pining over coasts and red wine, Ferris wheels, mermaids, and manatees (they are snuggly). I can only imagine the hell my future Mrs. Consultant will have to endure. “Hey babe, we have a bottleneck in this scenario, can you go to the fridge, boil the ocean, and grab papi a cerveza?” See? I sound like a dick! But I’m programmed. This isn’t my fault? I’m a machine? $hit! Christian Bale? Run!!

And... this is why I need a girlfriend, cause you can't say that on the first date... where are you Mrs. Consultant? Eww... no... not you. Pass. Pass. Pass. Alright, I have to get off Tinder. It's got nothing for me. 

We need emotional and rational buy-in from the client (and by client I mean client, boss, girlfriend, wife, grandmother (she makes the best cakes) or anyone else you want something from). This leads to an elaborate net of manipulation. But… and this is a big one, the manipulation is for the betterment of everyone. You get what you want (YAY!), your client is happy with the insightful solution with totes value add, your boss is happy, your girlfriend is ecstatic with that B&B in Napa, and your wife… well that B is never happy (unless you are at work and she is dallying the pool girl… see? Swerve!). The superiority complex we have as consultants is okay, even needed, like the anti-hero Riddick… damn you Vin, skewing women’s views of men. The narcissism is okay, but we need to veil it. No one wants to hire Machiavelli. They want to hire the sweet, pretty bambi that gets the Machiavellian job done. Also, just realized Machiavellian is a great substitute for the F word… or any word. So stay cocky consultants! And let the light shine in to your dark soul. Make money, make money, Ho! 

Most depressing Popsicle stick ever... besides the one that gives a + sign. You can't get child support if you can't catch me!!!!!!!!! 

Dropping the Mike, Dropping the knowledge

Alright, consultants. We have a ton to talk about today. First off, congrats to me! The last post got the most hits ever…ever. Also, got me in a tad bit of trouble with a wondrous unicorn, but hopefully that will all work out in the future. Or not… probably not.. to the delight of Satan. I swear that guy is around every corner handing me a shot of fireball…. Oh never mind that’s my other buddy. First another high point (I know I live on the West Coast, but not that kind of high… okay, one bite… Why am I in Mexico?)

This has been my reality for the past few weeks. SF > ATL > SF > CHICO > SF. If you don't know Chico, he knows you, and when he finds you, he will kill you. 

I was going to post this last month, but yea. Forgot. Words. Anyways, I am pretty excited about it. My life is one turn away from being picked up by the bastard son of FX and lifetime starring the guys from workaholics and whatever Lindsay Lohan after school special is still on. Here is the conversation with my coworker at any rate!! Yay for me!

Johnny Consultant:        Just googled "consulting buzz words" and guess who came up number 4?!?

Skip Bottomer:                Ha that’s amazing, and you've been doing consulting for how long? One month? No project yet?

Johnny Consultant:        that’s how you know the internet is a fickle mistress….. (one min later)…. With scurvy

So yea. I am kind of a baller. It’s cool. That internet money keeps rolling on in. Today’s topic: Alter egos. This was suggested to me by another co-worker, who is cool as hell, and orders his drinks “Gin Tonic Well.” Like James Bond or some $hit. You know you want to do it. We can make it Trend! MAKE IT TREND! Whatever the hell that means. So, alter egos. We all have one. Sometimes it’s the drunk personality, the wild one (mine is hawk, from college, don’t ask. It was an awesome, awesome phase), but today we are focusing on the ego at work. I had a previous post about letting your natural self slip out, which you will eventually, but only a little. The alter ego is huge. Clark Kent made a living off newspapers, and those don’t even exist anymore. Maybe I should wear my glasses…. Hmm… I had the hair a week ago. Nah, I will go Tony Stark. Millionaire, playboy, drinking problem. Yeap. Protege (call me Tones!). Now the official get to it part: Tons of alter egos exist. There is the guy that isn’t really put together, but works hard. He looks like work is his alcohol and the man has a serious problem. Wrinkled shirt, stained pants? Doesn’t matter because THIS REPORT IS DUE IN 4 WEEKS! Also… that guy will die young. Just saying Robbie. Sorry man. Also, your wife is cheating on you. With….. The immaculate god of the office guy! Great mood, shiny teeth, good hair. Tall dark and handsome. Also… serious coke problem. This is his weekend… morning.

Tuesday... F*ck yea.... 

How the hell do you think he is so pumped all the time? All the work gets done? He is in the office before you, after you, but you know for a fact you spotted him at that high school party cause you had to dart behind  Melissa (who is tooootally in love with Jackie by the way). This man is a machine, fueled by narcotics. Tread lightly, cause he can end you. You have to choose your alter ego wisely. The slob that is a workaholic, definitely not management material. Cokey Mc. Cokerson? Definitely management material until he has to go to rehab and is shot by Robbie for deflowering the wife in the kid's bed (jeez… that’s warped).

Whatever. Shut up Will! We all know you were cleaning house in Bel Air. And they waz yo cousins man. That's not even cold. That's just weird. You from Georgia too?

Your alter ego can’t fall to far from yourself. Don’t be the geeky kid that tries to act wild and crazy. No one likes him. We use him for rides, drinks, and then kick him in the nuts and run (my high school career by the way. Yea. The one getting nutbanged). Just embellish your best attributes and tone down the others. Now girls will get mad at me for saying pop a little cleavage or hike the skirt, but I am doing the same. This slim fit shirt?? Fits like a glove. A little tight in the crotch pants? Yea, you know whats up. I bought these in India. Just saying. Its okay. So my alter ego. I tend to be the happy go lucky guy, that can also get the job done. I am over enthusiastic (probably to a fault). You want me to do what? Oh hell yea! Filing! That’s my jam! But it works for me. So find out what works for you. I suggest being a gorgeous redhead.

 Don't look at me like that. You love it. You love me. Stop. Seriously. Smile? $hit... whatever, you are still amazingly gorgeous and babies will abound. 

Just the tip of the day:

Retire the saying “there will be a quiz on this later” to “there will be a rap battle on this later”

Whirlwind of disaster known as Hotlanta for the weekend

Holy crapballs… that was a weekend of epicness. Tears were cried, laughter was heard, love was made (somewhere… I’m assuming), I am now with child, and full of tomato juice. Also, epic failures were mastered. “well… now its just awkward for everyone if we don’t make out.” Which brings me to the topic of conversation for all my lovelies known as consultants. Love life. We call it work life balance, but that’s a joke in of itself. There is no work life balance for consultants. We are jet flying, limo riding, kiss stealing sons of bitches that got no time. Basically, due to our heavy work schedule, we have to fit romance into a weekend. Also, our projects are short. Some 6 weeks That’s weird for a career and it leaks into our love lives. 6 week relationships of pure adrenaline passion with nitrous oxide, whippets, and sheep intestines. Make it happen, make it quick, cause there is no idea when we can see each other again. It’s freaking Casablanca every Friday night.

 Obviously I am the girl in this scenario. I have a great quivering lip and we have similar hair Seriously… when did age become such a big deal? If I don’t care, why do you???? Haha okay, enough venting. Moving on. Bloody Mary. That is all.

So our work life balance is always out of whack. It will always be a problem. I might be in NYC next week, I might be in ATL now, I might wake up in SF. Letters. The end of the day is its nearly impossible to have a serious relationship (or at least start one). I am not a one night stand kind of guy (anymore). I want someone to creepily stare into my eyes, hold my hand, pet me, tell me I am pretty, and kiss me gently in front of all my friends to the point where they feel uncomfortable. Love. In your face. I fell in love no less than 4 times this weekend. I am on a sprint here people. Also… cant feel my face. We are all dying. You think I am going to sit around and not swing for the F’n fences? You crazy. But that leaves the question… how should we manage our love life? I am gone all the freaking time, you are going to resent me, hate me, then probably cheat on me, then get fired, then date that loser, then beg for me to come back. Haha… not saying that’s happened, but just saying.

Have you seen me? Its good shit. 

So… we need to have a conversation. I honest to god have no idea what I am doing, but I am ready for love. I already bought the dress…. Creeped out yet? I am. Then someone called me a whore. Actually a wannabe whore. Which might be worse. Im not a whore, I am on a mission to find my one true love and obviously that means I will have to plow through thousands of dates in record time, get weird, and then I will find the one. Actually I already found her. She laughed when I tried to kiss her. Both times. So I decided she wasn’t my true love and sat down to the next girl over. We shared a quilt. It was cute. We are love. Whatever. I’m just impressed I’m alive. Bloody marys, pitchers of mimosas, fireball shots, margaritas, boozy hot chocolate… and that was Sunday. Holy amazeballs. No wonder I can’t stop shaking. Hold me.

They call me dirty johnny. Get excited. Get pumped. No I meant grab that pump right there on the night stand. Let's get weird. 

So now its Monday. I am working. Work life balance. More Work deathly hungover I can’t balance shit and I am pretty sure the cute girl across from me said I smelled. Is it Friday yet? I am ready to fall in love all over again. But that’s the deal. I am ready for a relationship. But I don’t have time to search for the perfect woman. That takes time. I don’t have time to date. I want to jump to the part where we share a double snuggie, tandem bike, and you tell me my cooking is amazing. So this is where we are at. Any advice out there? Gimme. Make it hurt, its okay. I can take it. Also, if anyone can find my soul, please return it. I think it was either with Kittie, Ashley, Tina, or Claudia (obviously I changed the names to protect the innocent; Johnny doesn’t call people out like that). And if you are a girl that knows you are one of those… the others mean nothing. It was just a thing. You are the one for me. Kisses. So goodbye Atlanta. It was fun. You tried to kill me, but I survived. Didn’t get a gf like I wanted, but we did good work ATL.

Haven't had any meetings, but here are the best lines of the weekend:

Johnny, please don’t die

I don’t understand why everyone is not just petting me right now.

Hi, my name is Johnny. I have decided we are going to fall in love.

F it. Grab, kiss, repeat as needed.

What? You just started dating someone? That’s cool. We can kill him. That can happen. Then we can get you pregnant.

You’re awesome. I am awesome. How can this go wrong?

How old am I? Pick a number you are comfortable with.

Penis Penis pumpernickel

We aren't making out? Now its just awkward for everyone present. 

You have the most amazing hair I have ever seen. Really? Thank you... also, I love you. You can touch it.... do it.

What's the deal with...

Short blog post today... sorry... I have been getting busy, doing consulting things. like... stuff. So yea, this will be short, like your nostalgic love with an idiot boy toy from years ago that has no future, but nostalgia! It's sweet, like that crap candy with the gooey middle that taste horrible and you regret ever opening the wrapper cause now you are stuck, and you have to chew, and it makes you cry when you really just want to run away. I digress... This blog is about what we consultants do. Airplanes! No that's not similar to an Eiffel tower. Get your head out of the gutter.

Really? Mushy in the middle? God... this taste likes Charlotte. Get it out of me!! 

What’s the deal with airlines? No really. F you Seinfeld. You were complaining about the airlines before they charged for drinks, luggage, seat changes, food, tv shows ($2 really?), movies, the free grab bag by the TSA (by the way… you are the grab bag). I mean these are all the airlines too! Can someone say Cartel? Oligopoly? Big words? Pay me now please. You just got billed for that by an industry expert for 600 an hour… that’s right I am an expert. How much experience do I have? Enough to know that I will kick you in the nuts if you don’t pay me. I was in debt collections son. I roll deep. Young Money!!

My old day job. Now I just consult to the guys with guns... I mean derivatives... but do they really have to be mutually exclusive?

Yea, anyways, with the current trend (I ran a regression), I have discovered what will happen next. I’m a genius. More charges! You are sitting there thinking… there is nothing left Johnny. Wrong son! How about a charge for carry-ons? Done. Weight limits (okay to be honest, not totally against that one, but I keep it right and tight). The complimentary cokes? How about no. The lavatory will have a quarter slot of entry. Or a doorman like at the clubs… a little person. Let’s be honest, those bathrooms are tiny. But he can stand there like Oddjob (awesome bond reference) and hit the water, soap, and hand you towels. I hope they go with the latter. I also thought of the next big thing. We will have to pay them for them not do things to us. $5.00, how about you pay me not to spit in your mouth?

Okay... maybe Tatum... definitely not Jonah though. Alright, neither. I promise.

One a side note, if you don’t read my blog, then you are dead to me. Which is pretty scary to think about considering there are like 6 Billion people in the world and only a few read my blog… I’m like Omega Man. Crap none of you got that reference. I AM LEGEND WITH WILL SMITH. Geez… go watch some classic movies A-holes.

I told you to go watch Omega man! Not $hit that will get you fired! Get off your work computer dumbass! 

Less words... more gifs. I'm sure some of you are happy, but probably throbbing with disappointment. I'll get another, better one up tomorrow... when I hit the ATL!! 

Consultant Contest

Alright, last post was an off day. Apparently, not many people want to know my obsession with fresca or my desire to lay her down like the lady she is. So this one will be strictly consulting. I promise. Would I lie to you? Well you lied to me! You’re dead to me! No, really, I hate you all. Every speck. But all you other people. You are wonderful! We can love again. Have you heard of my non-profit? Another conversation another day Johnny…  So how about them consultants?

The unhealthy obsession with Kristen Bell will continue. The hottest actress playing a consultant on TV.... 

Some of you follow me on the twitter. Most don’t. I’m not that interesting to be honest. Twitter doesn’t have gifs. And if you think gifs are only of cats you are a moron that deserves every last $hitty thing that happens to you. And I hate you. Like cats hate you for never being there or bringing home weirdos that are losers. Yea… we have all been there. We know better, but we don’t really do anything about it. We are comfortable with our $hitty lives, and hey they are the perfect complement!  @Johnny_Consult. Follow me. Love me. I post funny things. Mostly retweets from more intelligent people. Alright back to the beginning. Consulting. My awesome life. I got friends… hey A-hole! Don’t look so f’n surprised. They are awesome and do weird things like Beta Breakers, actually can afford wine but choose not to be arrogant B’s about it, entertain the ideas of strippers with hearts of gold, and eating dog on the streets of Vietnam.

Okay, so my two friends don't look like this... but they have great personalities... 

Anyways, they are fellow consultants. Crowbar (name changed to protect… well actually I don’t know why, he doesn’t care)… you are a consultant. I know you work for a “hedge fund,” but you basically consult all the techies with your wondrous ways with words, Mothra references, and a Moroccan oiled beard.  Windy, I think I already mentioned in another post. Half Man Half Freak. But the lovable kind you take home to Mom until he declines saying “are you f’n kidding me? Who are you again? I haven’t had a cognizant thought in one month.” A super success guy. Therein lies the problem. We get bored. We consult, its awesome and dynamic. We basically eat pray love and dry hump throughout the nation, yet we always strive for more.

Absolutely not what Windy looks like. He doesn't own a bow tie.

Well I brought up twitter (and I guess FB too) because I made a great accomplishment last week. Within a meeting, I managed to sneak in a SNICK and Ghostbusters reference. The leader of the meeting, same level as me, was obviously very confused (you know the tall, handsome, never seen a TV show type cause they were locked in a basement for most their life being water boarded about mathematics. 

You might be a scientist, but if you don't know Ghostbusters... well quite frankly you are a prick.

That being said, one girl rolled her eyes (cause she knows how awesome and attentive I am) and my buddy tried to hide his laughter at the awkward situation. Well Windy called me out. He upped me. He had a rocky horror picture show reference in a meeting. Now that’s a strong beginning. Of course we have to start a contest. So I am calling all consultants (especially Windy and Crowbar). It’s on.

You consultant enough? Huh? I can't hear you. My shirt is too loud. 

We are going to have a running contest. Best reference in a meeting wins each week. Wins what you ask? I don’t know dammit. Maybe a shirt with a buzz word on it. Maybe we should share best practices (arrow pointing down). Maybe we will start a kickstarter campaign for funding. You like that? You little hipster? How about I know that dumb hat off your head, and joke you out with your Nepalese flower scarf. Crap, you like that. Ugh, just go away. Haha, anyways, we will have a prize! Comment on here, twitter me, facebook me. I don’t give a damn. Just get them to me. I know Windy and Crowbar are in… are you? Help me turn the consulting industry into the show Psych (personal dream of mine).

Obviously I am the one wearing the awesome shirt. $hit... they are all awesome. One LOVE!

One day.... this will help a consultant. Don't lie. Also, WHAT IS UP NYC! Miss you guys already. You gave me the right medicine. No longer itches. Kisses!

Yea you know what I want... and you gonna give it to me.

Warning: This is what this blog post is about. Consulting, buzz words, but most of all. Love. 

Alright let’s talk consulting stuff before I go down that awesome death spiral of my mind and end up in a place inexplicitly weird, with no idea where I am, and possibly missing clothes. Like the bushes outside my ATL condo, or the wrong elevator bank, or down a mountain in the Himalayas. Damn, I love my life. Oh yea. Consulting. Hi. So my firm made me move out to the West Coast, but you never know where your client will be located. You want to be a team player, and you don’t have much of a choice anyways. So you fly. Tons. That means when I come out to NYC, I should be considered as a guy doing the heavy lifting (buzz word), cause they are hurting my work life balance (buzz word) more than the localized weenie consultants. So you fly. I don’t mind flying. I used to be scared out of my mind. Afraid of dying, plane crashing, babies next to me, people who take up more than their share of the aisle. Then I stopped being afraid. I became indifferent. Which is probably something to talk about with a therapist, but you guys are my friends right? Anyways, flying is just A-okay in my book. So I am planning another post on flying. I figured out my true love on the flight yesterday. She’s everything I have dreamed of. I’m so excited!

 

 

This is what I look like when I get excited. You know its true. And you love me for it. Now pull my hair.

Let’s be honest. Fresca is amazing. It’s perfect. The Penelope Cruz of drinks. If Fresca was a lady. I would have her, need her. I might even be a gentleman. Hold her hand at first. Whisper sweet nothing in the fizziness that is her effervescent soul. Love at first sight gentlemen, this is what is all about.  I would try to take things slow, but to be honest, mixed with a little vodka (maybe her cousin black cherry fresca) this party could go from lounge session to something not seen since that weird time back in the 60’s sexual revolution swingers hanging from the rafters. Like the pony. God… just the athleticism. I’m not even turned on, I am just… impressed. I think that girl can bench me. Dammit, off track again. Fresca is a lady and must be treated as such. I would be shy, a smile, a giggle here. You know. Gentleman $hit. Always treat her right. I will wait till right after her Quinceanera to ask her padre for her hand in marriage…. Oh yea. That taste nice.

 

So Fuego right now...

That being said. We already got beef Fresca. Why no love me? If you really loved me you would change. I need you, but I got other needs. Yea… you know what I’m talking about. CAFFEINE. WHAT THE HELL WOMAN?

 REDBULL VODKA!!! 

You are perfect, yet you have this glaring deficiency. Like if the woman you love that is perfect all of a sudden turns out to be satan… or a dude. Whatever. Just inject yourself with some caffeine Fresca. Then Coke can be out of my life forever. Not needed. It can be just us. I am a consultant. The brain waves supplying all this value added knowledge runs a supply chain of thoughts, and you are being the freaking bottleneck! I’m sorry, I still love you. Are you down for a polyamorous soda relationship? Those Fanta girls are bangin!

 

Im looking for fresca in the streets and fanta in the sheets - Side Shout to Rogie for the assist!! 

If you steal the tops of bagels, and no one is around to see it, does anyone care/judge/hate you?

FOLLOW ME @JOHNNY_CONSULT … leaves a nice flavor in yo mouth.

Okay guys, back on the west coast. I know you have missed me. NYC was great, beautiful women, touristy stuff, margaritas were consumed (honestly why wouldn't you drink them everyday anywhere is beyond me). We have hit Friday. The Sunday for consultants. Go to church day. Hey, I’m from the bible belt so if you don’t get that, go ask a southern friend (come on… you know you have one). We go into the office cause the higher power wants us to, and we hope to get 3 wishes granted for our obedience… might be mixing references there. Anyways, you go to network, not actually work. As in the previous post, we are all doing a good job, so the next point to promotion? Likability and Remembrance . Kind of like da club. Assume we are all good looking (I am by the way), then what’s next? Probably remembrance (peacock that bia) and be nice. Boom. That bombshell? That boy toy? You are their first choice. Congrats. You are a horrible person.

I’m Jessie. I know. It’s sad. So much promise. Then became a stripper that couldn’t dance… but she could love…. She could love.

Okay, so the point of this post is to discuss office etiquette. Kind of. This is more of a confessional for me. I committed the ultimate sin. It’s Friday, the Consultant’s Lord’s day. The firm knows this; therefore, they supply bagels in the morning. Delicious bagels. Now, for the first point, I am anti-bagel. The basis is empty calories that you schmear glop on and eat. They are amazing, but horrible for you. You think I can maintain this Channing Tatum like body with that crap? Please change. Please supply fruits (not fruit cups asstards) and maybe some vegetables. Then hit me when I grab too much fruit. It’s for my own good. I know you love me. That’s why you talk with your fists….

 Put down the fruit cup! It’s fructose!

Crap. Tangent attack again. Anyways, bagels. So I took the top of one of the cheese ones. I know, same thing as taking the top of the muffin, but I’m worried about calories. I ate, delicious. Salmon spread you know. Felt like I was in NYC (which I was 15 hours before?), but not really, but really. Im from a small town. Our sheriff cooks hotdogs on Saturdays while people sit on the lawn near city hall and people play live gospel and bluegrass. Give me this to me Dammit!!! Phew… moving on. The time change made my stupid stomach think it was lunch time. One half bagel wasn’t going to do it. So I got another… top half. I KNOW!! The ultimate sin in any office. I GANKED TO TOP HALVES OF A BAGEL. INTERNET AND READERS, I AM SORRY. PLEASE DON’T DISOWN ME. I am so tired. One coke, 2 coffees, and I can’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was delirious (side note… could go for a delirium right now. Awesome sauce beer).  Now not only did I commit this sin, but I was a bad consultant as well. What is the value in a food that is about the equivalent of a loaf of bread?!?! NOTHING. No value add. NO synergies with anything else in my system. NOTHING. I might as well quit. Move on. Become a guy that fixes antique tricycles and live my life with long hair, smoking drugs, and saying “Yea.. Im not really into that corporate thing… its so soulless. This is real life man.”

My life as it could have been. Yea, its hot. But they have no clothes, no job, no food, and winter is coming. Basically he will end up selling his body to older men for meth money while she dances at Gold Rush in Atlanta where guys laugh at her C-scars. And they won’t be together. If they were together… they would be dead. In shallow graves. And with environmental laws in GA right now you need 60 acres at a minimum I believe to zone a cemetery, and environmentals, so they won’t even get to be buried together on a hill in the Carolinas. More like burned and dumped outside somewhere in ATL. Hmm… but the hours are nice….

To summarize. I apologize. I apologize to you the reader, to God, to my coworkers, and to my children. That was a horrible thing to do and I will never forgive myself. I apologize to the consulting industry. I added no value. I was the bottleneck of happiness for everyone in my office. Also, I have found my soul mate or Nemesis. They have a consulting tumblr website and are funny (less substance, more gifs… like a really hot model). Either we can be together forever, or enemies till once of us dies. They haven’t posted in a while… so I already won. Sorry my loves.  http://dontconsultme.tumblr.com . And there might be a jump in logic, but of course they have to be two beautiful women… they just have to. Or I feel weird about the whole situation. Anyways, I now know for a fact that they are women, cause I can see them. Through the window. Hi ladies… 

Can I interest you two ladies in a snickerdoodle?

First Project, First Problem... Mo' Value, Mo' FML

Alright, so I had been a consultant for a month, but I have been on the bench / beach (post about that later). So to be honest, I was in a slight panic. My friend Windy at a different firm(name changed for his protection) was on the bench for maybe a week… maybe. I was feeling unloved. Then I got the call. A project. Bam. Done son. Then I got another call. No go on the project. Wham, Blam Boy. Then I got the real call haha. First project! Whoooo! Get excited.

First thought: I’m going to be a jet flyin, limo ridin, styling, profiling, kiss stealin, wheeling dealing machine in the fantasy that is the reality of the only NYC. Back up career in Rap? Probably not.

Someone loves you. You haven’t met them, but they called you. They want you. Snuggles all around for everyone. YOU are going to rock this project. This is why you went to Bschool. You are going to value add so much that their synergies is going to burst and you will be raised up as the best practices of all time (my nickname in highschool by the way Johnny best practices. And no. I’m not lying… ask all those women (1…maybe 1)… she will back me up. Wait. She’s in jail for meth? With her mother? FML man… those were the good ole days right? When they still had teeth. Mmmmm… smiles.

See this is called foreshadowing… of my life in consulting.

So I was planning on hitting NYC, and hitting it hard. I was gonna tear that place up. You heard of that Texas A&M A hole Johnny Manzel? I’m Johnny Consultant. I don’t play. Mr. Football? Psshhhh. Mr. Consultant.  My steely gaze will boil the ocean. $hit will erupt like a volcano of actionable items. Land on Sunday, office on Monday. I go to the head boss guy. Ready to strut my stuff like a dolla balla. I end up looking more like this guy….

Now, I know most of you. Johnny… Thor really? First, that’s not the point, but yes I do have a body of a greed god (I guess nordic in this instance?)... with just lots more body hair. Anywho, The point is supposed to be I looked like an ass hat with no idea what was going on. And on another point. Did you see Thor? Horrible acting (just like my meeting with the boss), felt like I had to psychically force my way through the meeting (just like Thor and the fight scenes),I was completely unbelievable (you’ve seen the movie right?), and yea again… no idea what I was doing or saying. Also, last week I had to be Kristen Bell in a gif, so I deserve this one. Suck on that.

So after the first meeting, my world was shattered. How am I going to survive? I just was headlighted like a deer by senior management. His beard was fuller, shiner, and healthier than mine!!!! So I sat down at my desk, and realized something: nothing’s changed. He sent some material I haven’t read yet, I still don’t know who my client is, so in actuality… I still don’t have my first project. Thanks consulting. Another curveball for ole Johnny. I hate you. (ps I love you, please call me back… its been like 15 messages… in the past 3 hours. I know you are there. I can see you through the window). 

The end of the first day... hair still lookin good though