Dropping the Mike, Dropping the knowledge

Alright, consultants. We have a ton to talk about today. First off, congrats to me! The last post got the most hits ever…ever. Also, got me in a tad bit of trouble with a wondrous unicorn, but hopefully that will all work out in the future. Or not… probably not.. to the delight of Satan. I swear that guy is around every corner handing me a shot of fireball…. Oh never mind that’s my other buddy. First another high point (I know I live on the West Coast, but not that kind of high… okay, one bite… Why am I in Mexico?)

This has been my reality for the past few weeks. SF > ATL > SF > CHICO > SF. If you don't know Chico, he knows you, and when he finds you, he will kill you. 

I was going to post this last month, but yea. Forgot. Words. Anyways, I am pretty excited about it. My life is one turn away from being picked up by the bastard son of FX and lifetime starring the guys from workaholics and whatever Lindsay Lohan after school special is still on. Here is the conversation with my coworker at any rate!! Yay for me!

Johnny Consultant:        Just googled "consulting buzz words" and guess who came up number 4?!?

Skip Bottomer:                Ha that’s amazing, and you've been doing consulting for how long? One month? No project yet?

Johnny Consultant:        that’s how you know the internet is a fickle mistress….. (one min later)…. With scurvy

So yea. I am kind of a baller. It’s cool. That internet money keeps rolling on in. Today’s topic: Alter egos. This was suggested to me by another co-worker, who is cool as hell, and orders his drinks “Gin Tonic Well.” Like James Bond or some $hit. You know you want to do it. We can make it Trend! MAKE IT TREND! Whatever the hell that means. So, alter egos. We all have one. Sometimes it’s the drunk personality, the wild one (mine is hawk, from college, don’t ask. It was an awesome, awesome phase), but today we are focusing on the ego at work. I had a previous post about letting your natural self slip out, which you will eventually, but only a little. The alter ego is huge. Clark Kent made a living off newspapers, and those don’t even exist anymore. Maybe I should wear my glasses…. Hmm… I had the hair a week ago. Nah, I will go Tony Stark. Millionaire, playboy, drinking problem. Yeap. Protege (call me Tones!). Now the official get to it part: Tons of alter egos exist. There is the guy that isn’t really put together, but works hard. He looks like work is his alcohol and the man has a serious problem. Wrinkled shirt, stained pants? Doesn’t matter because THIS REPORT IS DUE IN 4 WEEKS! Also… that guy will die young. Just saying Robbie. Sorry man. Also, your wife is cheating on you. With….. The immaculate god of the office guy! Great mood, shiny teeth, good hair. Tall dark and handsome. Also… serious coke problem. This is his weekend… morning.

Tuesday... F*ck yea.... 

How the hell do you think he is so pumped all the time? All the work gets done? He is in the office before you, after you, but you know for a fact you spotted him at that high school party cause you had to dart behind  Melissa (who is tooootally in love with Jackie by the way). This man is a machine, fueled by narcotics. Tread lightly, cause he can end you. You have to choose your alter ego wisely. The slob that is a workaholic, definitely not management material. Cokey Mc. Cokerson? Definitely management material until he has to go to rehab and is shot by Robbie for deflowering the wife in the kid's bed (jeez… that’s warped).

Whatever. Shut up Will! We all know you were cleaning house in Bel Air. And they waz yo cousins man. That's not even cold. That's just weird. You from Georgia too?

Your alter ego can’t fall to far from yourself. Don’t be the geeky kid that tries to act wild and crazy. No one likes him. We use him for rides, drinks, and then kick him in the nuts and run (my high school career by the way. Yea. The one getting nutbanged). Just embellish your best attributes and tone down the others. Now girls will get mad at me for saying pop a little cleavage or hike the skirt, but I am doing the same. This slim fit shirt?? Fits like a glove. A little tight in the crotch pants? Yea, you know whats up. I bought these in India. Just saying. Its okay. So my alter ego. I tend to be the happy go lucky guy, that can also get the job done. I am over enthusiastic (probably to a fault). You want me to do what? Oh hell yea! Filing! That’s my jam! But it works for me. So find out what works for you. I suggest being a gorgeous redhead.

 Don't look at me like that. You love it. You love me. Stop. Seriously. Smile? $hit... whatever, you are still amazingly gorgeous and babies will abound. 

Just the tip of the day:

Retire the saying “there will be a quiz on this later” to “there will be a rap battle on this later”