Best advice given today from me:
Jessie: “Hey I’m going back on
TV!”
Johnny: “That’s awesome. Wear
something slutty, otherwise you look like one of the twins off full house.”
Still awaiting a response…..
Alright, sheeple. We
are going to have a real consulting topic… I say this every time and like the
cookie monster, I grab the dough, backwards spoon, and pop a light. Phew… glad
that’s off my chest. Now you are responsible. Because, you know if you hear
someone tell you a problem, it’s your job to fix it. I wish that worked at the
office. Hey Jim, I’m really bummed cause that report is going to keep me up all
night I might just eat too much Chinese food and kill myself with diabetes.
Then boom, Jim does the work. And you get free insulin (which I hear is like
huffing cat piss). Win… motherf’n win.
See?!?! Already off topic. Communication! There I got the title out. We
are talking about communication!
You may be tempted to give this boilerplate answer... but it won't work in a client meeting. But surprisingly might work in Cosmo bar at 2:30AM.
One of the biggest
hurdles we face as consultants is ourselves. For being the second coming of the
Christ of communication, we are pretty bad at it. Sometimes we revert to
boilerplate answers. Drugs? Rehab. That shit is expensive holmes. How about I
lock you up for 3 weeks with bread and water and we sweat it out? Like a cross
between Black snake moan and Wanderlust, except with me copulating with
Jennifer Anniston a whole lot more. See? Creativity! And you were just going to
throw your ex into rehab cause she is doing “lemonade testing” behind the
liquor store for change to buy crack while you are sitting at the office,
playing Facebook, working on excel, and listening to some Lana Del Rey, making
bank… THAT gentlemen, is the American dream. You guys never had that happen?
Yea, you are right. I have to stop dating crack heads.
Did you know that EBT cards are now plastic cards? No more stamps... and taken at some ATMS... next to strip clubs, liquor stores, and swingers conventions... F yes! Gimme that sweet government subsidies! Cause its every man's right to get a lapdance... 'Merica!
The other problem? We
come across as arrogant asses. Value add, Synergies, best practices (my bedroom
name), Bottleneck, Birddog (buddy’s bar name), Boil the ocean (I also use this
term for when I have to pee), EOD, SME,
the list is forever long… these words make us sound like Lord
Fyouverymuch from the village of Cismywytass. We have to battle this. Now as we
all know I am single, and happy… fine… just single… pining over coasts and red
wine, Ferris wheels, mermaids, and manatees (they are snuggly). I can only
imagine the hell my future Mrs. Consultant will have to endure. “Hey babe, we
have a bottleneck in this scenario, can you go to the fridge, boil the ocean,
and grab papi a cerveza?” See? I sound like a dick! But I’m programmed. This
isn’t my fault? I’m a machine? $hit! Christian Bale? Run!!
And... this is why I need a girlfriend, cause you can't say that on the first date... where are you Mrs. Consultant? Eww... no... not you. Pass. Pass. Pass. Alright, I have to get off Tinder. It's got nothing for me.
We need emotional and
rational buy-in from the client (and by client I mean client, boss, girlfriend,
wife, grandmother (she makes the best cakes) or anyone else you want something
from). This leads to an elaborate net of manipulation. But… and this is a big
one, the manipulation is for the betterment of everyone. You get what you want
(YAY!), your client is happy with the insightful solution with totes value add,
your boss is happy, your girlfriend is ecstatic with that B&B in Napa, and
your wife… well that B is never happy (unless you are at work and she is
dallying the pool girl… see? Swerve!). The superiority complex we have as
consultants is okay, even needed, like the anti-hero Riddick… damn you Vin,
skewing women’s views of men. The narcissism is okay, but we need to veil it.
No one wants to hire Machiavelli. They want to hire the sweet, pretty bambi
that gets the Machiavellian job done. Also, just realized Machiavellian is a
great substitute for the F word… or any word. So stay cocky consultants! And
let the light shine in to your dark soul. Make money, make money, Ho!
Most depressing Popsicle stick ever... besides the one that gives a + sign. You can't get child support if you can't catch me!!!!!!!!!
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