If you steal the tops of bagels, and no one is around to see it, does anyone care/judge/hate you?

FOLLOW ME @JOHNNY_CONSULT … leaves a nice flavor in yo mouth.

Okay guys, back on the west coast. I know you have missed me. NYC was great, beautiful women, touristy stuff, margaritas were consumed (honestly why wouldn't you drink them everyday anywhere is beyond me). We have hit Friday. The Sunday for consultants. Go to church day. Hey, I’m from the bible belt so if you don’t get that, go ask a southern friend (come on… you know you have one). We go into the office cause the higher power wants us to, and we hope to get 3 wishes granted for our obedience… might be mixing references there. Anyways, you go to network, not actually work. As in the previous post, we are all doing a good job, so the next point to promotion? Likability and Remembrance . Kind of like da club. Assume we are all good looking (I am by the way), then what’s next? Probably remembrance (peacock that bia) and be nice. Boom. That bombshell? That boy toy? You are their first choice. Congrats. You are a horrible person.

I’m Jessie. I know. It’s sad. So much promise. Then became a stripper that couldn’t dance… but she could love…. She could love.

Okay, so the point of this post is to discuss office etiquette. Kind of. This is more of a confessional for me. I committed the ultimate sin. It’s Friday, the Consultant’s Lord’s day. The firm knows this; therefore, they supply bagels in the morning. Delicious bagels. Now, for the first point, I am anti-bagel. The basis is empty calories that you schmear glop on and eat. They are amazing, but horrible for you. You think I can maintain this Channing Tatum like body with that crap? Please change. Please supply fruits (not fruit cups asstards) and maybe some vegetables. Then hit me when I grab too much fruit. It’s for my own good. I know you love me. That’s why you talk with your fists….

 Put down the fruit cup! It’s fructose!

Crap. Tangent attack again. Anyways, bagels. So I took the top of one of the cheese ones. I know, same thing as taking the top of the muffin, but I’m worried about calories. I ate, delicious. Salmon spread you know. Felt like I was in NYC (which I was 15 hours before?), but not really, but really. Im from a small town. Our sheriff cooks hotdogs on Saturdays while people sit on the lawn near city hall and people play live gospel and bluegrass. Give me this to me Dammit!!! Phew… moving on. The time change made my stupid stomach think it was lunch time. One half bagel wasn’t going to do it. So I got another… top half. I KNOW!! The ultimate sin in any office. I GANKED TO TOP HALVES OF A BAGEL. INTERNET AND READERS, I AM SORRY. PLEASE DON’T DISOWN ME. I am so tired. One coke, 2 coffees, and I can’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was delirious (side note… could go for a delirium right now. Awesome sauce beer).  Now not only did I commit this sin, but I was a bad consultant as well. What is the value in a food that is about the equivalent of a loaf of bread?!?! NOTHING. No value add. NO synergies with anything else in my system. NOTHING. I might as well quit. Move on. Become a guy that fixes antique tricycles and live my life with long hair, smoking drugs, and saying “Yea.. Im not really into that corporate thing… its so soulless. This is real life man.”

My life as it could have been. Yea, its hot. But they have no clothes, no job, no food, and winter is coming. Basically he will end up selling his body to older men for meth money while she dances at Gold Rush in Atlanta where guys laugh at her C-scars. And they won’t be together. If they were together… they would be dead. In shallow graves. And with environmental laws in GA right now you need 60 acres at a minimum I believe to zone a cemetery, and environmentals, so they won’t even get to be buried together on a hill in the Carolinas. More like burned and dumped outside somewhere in ATL. Hmm… but the hours are nice….

To summarize. I apologize. I apologize to you the reader, to God, to my coworkers, and to my children. That was a horrible thing to do and I will never forgive myself. I apologize to the consulting industry. I added no value. I was the bottleneck of happiness for everyone in my office. Also, I have found my soul mate or Nemesis. They have a consulting tumblr website and are funny (less substance, more gifs… like a really hot model). Either we can be together forever, or enemies till once of us dies. They haven’t posted in a while… so I already won. Sorry my loves.  http://dontconsultme.tumblr.com . And there might be a jump in logic, but of course they have to be two beautiful women… they just have to. Or I feel weird about the whole situation. Anyways, I now know for a fact that they are women, cause I can see them. Through the window. Hi ladies… 

Can I interest you two ladies in a snickerdoodle?