Alright. First off, I have to vent. I keep getting cookies. Not
the awesome kind either (thin mints and oreos suck, screw you American opinion). The ones saying “this website has
nude photos of someone you know” and this is a work computer! And no, I’m not
looking at porn… geez. I’m watching television illegally. That’s like the Punky
Brewster of sins. Anywho, does that work on people? I have to be honest, 90%
of the people I know are either guys, women I don’t want to see naked, family,
repeat. So… there is a 10% chance this will be awesome vs. OH DEAR LORD! GRANDMA?!?!
Yea… so F you internet. Not going to do
it. Not going to click… $hit… I clicked.
Just as powerful... much more dangerous. The mental erection. If you want to know more email me at suds_n_bubbles@needadate.com . Only female applicants please. Yes, the unicorn is included. Also, can't in good conscious put a gif of punky brewster on her. She committed the ultimate sin against men. Seriously?!? A reduction?!?!
Alright... now for the kickoff. Value management, that’s what we consultants do. We are paid by clients
to deliver some sort of valuable solution through rose colored lenses that they
never thought of before because they were either A. Scared B. Stupid C. A &
B or D. more worried about their erectile dysfunction secret becoming known to
their new girlfriend. Don’t worry ladies. I won’t leave you out. Or… if a woman
client, she is concentrating on never being able to climax either to A. She’s
in her own head B. The guys sucks C. She sucks or D. her va jay jay has teeth
(only happened to me… once). Basically, the client is never normally truly
dumb, but it’s a combination of angst, self-loathing, 9 – 5ism, or needing a
scapegoat. The solution is almost secondary. The true value is the warm and
gooey feeling we give our client when we let them inside us *cough* deliver the
“value added solution through creative brainstorming / boiling the ocean sessions
resulting in a deliverable.”
This is how I feel in most meetings. My boners are meeting shy. No idea why. Now for dates on the other hand... nope. Still fearful. I wish women would stop being mean haha. I swear its not me. Also anything with teeth not in the mouth should be killed. Happy hunting boys.
The problem as consultants, is we stray away from this value
management (don’t worry the fun stuff comes below, like me… how is that not a
shirt yet??). We forget our job. The client says I want Revenues up 2% over the
year, and boom, like trained gogo girls, we start sashaying or hips, gyrating
the pelvis, till revenues are up 2% (I know, I know.. you didn’t want that
visual of me. If you did… please don’t call me. I don’t want to be with you). This
is the same problem we have with dating (see the normal thought process? Every.
Damn. Week.) Honestly I don’t even know
if this is a consultant blog anymore. Maybe dating advice? Maybe advice you
should never follow? Maybe me venting. Maybe me declaring how great my life is?
A Hate Charlotte blog? Its life. Who knows. I think we get the answer key when
we die. No… that’s cool, you go first and hand the answer key back to me.
Thanks buddy.
*Swishes hair back* Alright I am back folks. Value management. We
shouldn’t worry about the 2%, there are real reasons behind it. That’s the
focal point. Do we really want to bed the girl home in the bar? (Circle one.
Yes, No, Maybe, Is that rhetorical?!). Or are we so desperate for human
interaction that we will take one night of fake emotional intimacy to fill our
gas meter up for a few hours? Light that cigarette, take that mimosa, and cry
one tear. Just one. No one will see. So, forget the 2%, forget the getting
laid. Think about what the value is you are looking for? Love, sexual
interaction. Either way, the one night stand won’t work. Love is love. And Sexual
Interaction… well once sucks, why not make it a continuous festival of gratuitous
carnal hedonism? Mmmm… carnal sounds like caramel. My favorite sex candy. The
liquid kind, not the hard kind. Weirdo.
Note: Does not work in a bar! Repeat... does not work in a bar! Keep your hopeless romanticism to yourself Johnny!!! And I thought I looked fancy in pearls. Now hand me the caramel....
And you thought I forgot about the client
cause of my tangent? Forget you like Ceelo forgets vegetables. The girl that
you are taking home? Think she is interested in a one night thing? Come on man.
You don’t look like AC Slater. Simply put, clients sometimes have blinders on,
and our job is to remove the blinders without spooking the horse. Find the value she wants. Daddy issues? Be the
guy that she won’t take home. Vulnerable from the love of her life dumping her
after she cheats? Be loving, but firm. Normal girl? Be yourself. Hahaha, you
actually bought that for a second didn’t you? Find the value. I’m not saying
don’t be yourself. I am saying display and accentuate the personality traits
where she will find value. Obviously some things you can’t overcome. Lesbians
won’t like guys, just like some girls don’t like fatties. Its life. We all have
our prejudices. But… big ole butt, if you can get past the initial subconscious “would
I F this guy” test. The rest is icing and sealant (don’t eat anything I bake…
ever). So… go making some f’n money with a client or go to your nearest bar and
find your own Disney Princess (I called dibs on Ariel and Cinderella… I’m sure
one will have me).
See? Its like meant to be! She's a crazy ass princess, and I am a big ole hairy beast man with a loving, kind personality trapped within. And fangs. Just grab my cheeks, scream at me, then plant one on me. Just be aggressive! Dammit! How are we suppose to die together if you don't?!?! Wait? I have to do stuff? Pass... where's the girl with all the tattoos about some dragon? I have a wide variety of tastes.. Whatever, I just want to be loved haha.
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