Alright, so I had been a
consultant for a month, but I have been on the bench / beach (post about that
later). So to be honest, I was in a slight panic. My friend Windy at a
different firm(name changed for his protection) was on the bench for maybe a
week… maybe. I was feeling unloved. Then I got the call. A project. Bam. Done
son. Then I got another call. No go on the project. Wham, Blam Boy. Then I got
the real call haha. First project! Whoooo! Get excited.
First thought: I’m going to be a jet flyin, limo
ridin, styling, profiling, kiss stealin, wheeling dealing machine in the
fantasy that is the reality of the only NYC. Back up career in Rap? Probably
not.
Someone loves you. You haven’t
met them, but they called you. They want you. Snuggles all around for everyone.
YOU are going to rock this project. This is why you went to Bschool. You are
going to value add so much that their synergies is going to burst and you will
be raised up as the best practices of all time (my nickname in highschool by
the way Johnny best practices. And
no. I’m not lying… ask all those women (1…maybe 1)… she will back me up. Wait.
She’s in jail for meth? With her mother? FML man… those were the good ole days
right? When they still had teeth. Mmmmm… smiles.
See this is called
foreshadowing… of my life in consulting.
So I was planning on hitting NYC, and hitting it hard. I was
gonna tear that place up. You heard of that Texas A&M A hole Johnny Manzel?
I’m Johnny Consultant. I don’t play. Mr. Football? Psshhhh. Mr. Consultant. My steely gaze will boil the ocean. $hit will
erupt like a volcano of actionable items. Land on Sunday, office on Monday. I
go to the head boss guy. Ready to strut my stuff like a dolla balla. I end up
looking more like this guy….
Now, I know most of you. Johnny… Thor really? First, that’s not the point, but yes I do have a body of a greed god (I guess nordic in this instance?)... with just lots more body hair. Anywho, The point is supposed to be I looked
like an ass hat with no idea what was going on. And on another point. Did you
see Thor? Horrible acting (just like my meeting with the boss), felt like
I had to psychically force my way through the meeting (just like Thor and the
fight scenes),I was completely unbelievable (you’ve seen the movie right?), and
yea again… no idea what I was doing or saying. Also, last week I had to be
Kristen Bell in a gif, so I deserve this one. Suck on that.
So after the first meeting, my
world was shattered. How am I going to survive? I just was headlighted like a
deer by senior management. His beard was fuller, shiner, and healthier than
mine!!!! So I sat down at my desk, and realized something: nothing’s changed.
He sent some material I haven’t read yet, I still don’t know who my client is,
so in actuality… I still don’t have my first project. Thanks consulting.
Another curveball for ole Johnny. I hate you. (ps I love you, please call me
back… its been like 15 messages… in the past 3 hours. I know you are there. I
can see you through the window).
The end of the first day... hair still lookin good though
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