As promised. 2 posts in one week? Christmas come early?
Christmas in your mouth (a shot of fireball and whynatte… delicious and
sanitary). I’m back with New Year’s revolutions… errr. Resolutions. Nope. First
one. I am taking over! Anyone else want to negotiate? If you are a beautiful
woman and you got that reference, I love you and think we should probably
investigate the world together over a period of… say… the rest of our lives.
Funny... this is how my first dates usually end when I am asking about the second date... I have no idea why I am single. Is it the bleach blonde hair? I probably was better as a brunette... yeap. that has to be it.
New Years resolution: Write
more about consulting. Is this a dating blog? A consulting blog? Pure comedy? A
tradegy that is my life? I don’t know, but I do know my business school
professors aren’t reading this $hit, so I need to write more about consulting.
And buzzwords. Maybe a combo of consulting and the women of consulting… we can
have a calendar. Give it to our clients. Value add and bird dog that boys, we
have a winner! Okay that is the first one, the rest are personal, and not.
Whatever. Stream of consciousness. An occurrence at Owl creek bridge.
Hey. Let's be honest with each other. I am not going to change. Just like you aren't going to admit the worst mistake of your life was not attempting to impregnate me. Its okay. Stop crying. We have all been there. Also, when you get a chance, can I have some more ketchup? Thanks! What? I can't have children? WHY WOULD YOU SAY I'M BARREN?!?! Oh... lack of womb. Gotcha.
Next Revolution! Learn from me, do as I say… not as I do. I
am attempting to no longer date women in the service industry, and no not “that”
servicing industry… sickos. I am not going to date women in the restaurant
industry. The majority (read… 99.9% I have met) are either self-sabotaging,
dumb, addicts, or possess severe mental issues… or a combo of all (my fave). Sure
they are hot, but there are more perils than an Indiana Jones movie. They will
resent you for what you are, brilliant, or not recognize because their eyes are
covered in gunk from the grease. Whatever the case, there will not be
acceptance. They will either hate you for your career, or resent you for it. Luke…
you know this to be true. Anytime you make a suggestion, you will “be coming
down on them.” It’s like calling a girl crazy for a guy. Immediate awesome
defensive technique. If you really thought they were crazy, you sure as hell
wouldn’t tell them. And if you did, it would be in a padded room with a fat
doctor Phil look alike with a sedative two feet away ready to be plunged into
that Bitches neck.
Alright guys. We can do better. Better defense mechanisms than "you're crazy." I think the female population is catching on. Then we will have to make it an endgame scenario where you do have to plunge a needle in their neck, make a kill room, kill them, dispose of body, and fool everyone around you that you aren't a psychopath. Doesn't that seem like too much work? Just say something else. Like "You just never listened to the teachings of General Mao! You will never understand!" See? Boom. You are out of whatever trouble you got yourself into. Cause... now they think you are communist.*
*Not guaranteed to work on the Chinese
Back to restaurants… I can hear the thunderous roar from the
women in the industry now. You elitist A-hole, yuppie, hating, baby eating, but
incredibly irresistible… then they trail off cause they saw something shiny. Don’t
hate. I worked at BK for like 8 years. I am speaking from experience and am almost
at a statistically significant sample size at this point (not sex mind you.
Don’t want all you people out there thinking I am some dirty Casanova or
something. I’m talking dates, dating, holding hands. Wear a glove). Every time
I have dated someone in the industry, it has gone wrong (personal). My buddy,
Windy only dates doctors, lawyers, and those people. “You people” seems like a
good idea. Not being snobby, I am being realistic. At this point you speak a
different language. They speak whatever hell their language is, and we speak
consultant. It’s the same as trying to date a girl from Prague that doesn’t
know a lick of English. Basically a mail order bride concept. Not saying you
are better, just saying the distance is too far to cross. The chasm too great for an honest, wonderful relationship where people see us as the relationship personification of Bambi.
So recently (yesterday. let’s be honest), I decided not to date in that
industry anymore. That basically leaves me finance (ew), consulting (don’t tip
the company pen / I hope I have a job in 2 months / maybe the best option /
please don’t tell HR), retail (envisioning same problems), tech (are there
girls in tech?), or mining… so if you know a coal miner’s daughter that can
swing a sweet axe. Send her my way.
See. Not a coal miner nor a restaurant worker. However, she only shows up every 5,000 years. Damn. I got free time in like 30? No? Well, too be honest all I wanted to do is watch you vacuum out your
car… in yoga pants. (thanks Crowbar for the line of the day) #MTFU
My suggestion for a new year’s resolution for you. Stop Sexting
and Dick pics. As men we love pictures sent to us. This is life. The female
form is beautiful. Look at all the famous art. Men, not beautiful. When the
paragon of beautification was invented eons ago, it was a woman that was the
result. That is why the words beautiful and pretty, feminine words, roll off
the tongue like a sexy fondue date next to a fire pit on the skin of a wolf carcass,
while handsome, masculine sounding word, sounds like a bag full of baby
walruses getting slammed by a German with a sledgehammer while screaming the
lyrics to Evita = not pretty. Science. Fact.
So, don’t do it. Anyways, if you are a guy, you normally don’t want to
send one of yourself (under the assumption you will be super successful like
Representative Weiner one day), so you do your best to fool them. So it needs
to be close. But then you are that guy on the computer looking at penis pics
all day. Probably at the office. And tasha noticed you. $hit, she has a big
mouth. It’s not what it looks like, but she is going to go ahead and tell the
whole office your obsession with d1cks. Dammit. This is why you don’t sext, and
definitely not as an adult.
Same for sexting. Best be ready to show the world. Just think about how much fun public sex is... is that a reason to sext? Hell no. That means go outdoors and get freaky. Too cold? Is there a hot tub? can we zip our snow jackets together to form some sex caterpillar stance while rolling around on the ground? Winter is coming... which they all freak out about but from watching the show it just means sex in caves with hot springs. Hell yea winter, hurry up brother.
Finally:
And if you are a guy, don’t work out more. I already have enough competition with naturally fit people and these Googlites running around making it ran as they pop bubbles on their pocket protectors. So just don’t. Girls? Go for it, but to be honest. It’s all in the diet.
I just needed a reason to post this. It makes me giggle. Also, very reminiscent of my running style in Crissy Field.
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