Ten days from the last post? I am sorry to deprive you people! I am sure you were wallowing in a gutter constantly checking your iphones. Maybe the signal is lost? Maybe Johnny died? Maybe the Iran's Revolutionary Guards got him? Nope. Just been busy, actually not at all. Just tired, recouping, in a bio-medical bath like Luke. So. Here. We. GO!
Happy religious holidays everyone! Tis the motherf’n season!
Whether you are Jewish, Christian, or something I don’t really know (read don’t
care) about, this is the time of year for celebrations. And what are
celebrations without bubbles? A recent friend of mine is amazed at my love for
champagne, and that it warms her heart and makes her smile when she thinks
about how much my infatuation for the bubbly continues. Same as my crush on
Kristen Bell. It will never end. You can’t have a bad day on champagne. Wake
up? Mimosa. Good to go. Bad day, champagne toast that you are the greatest
human being ever. Even if it just you, alone, with the bottle, in front of the mirror,
with no clothes on. Whatever. Don’t judge me.
Some people compare me to Hank. Great looking, creative, irreverent, and in complete and utter denial. Just saying... he might have Karen, but he also has a kid and a drug problem. I have no kid (please, god, no) and no drugs in my system (today), anyways I prefer the champagne. I might not have Karen, but I'm calling this one. Johnny: 1 Hank: 0! Halftime!
Let’s be honest about what I am. An eccentric, borderline
crazy idiot savant, that goes on random tangents that are funny, creative to
the financial world that dances on legality, that knows tons of weird stuff….
How I am not a billionaire, I don’t know. I'm like Mark Cuban… without the money
or boyish good looks. God he is so hot right now. Just beat up the SEC. Any…who…
as consultants (see that DEEP transition right there?), we have to play the
cards right on a semi-consistent basis. We want to play the game like Omar,
take as much as we can, and try not to get shot by a nine year old, or in our
cases, someone with the IQ of a nine year old (haven’t seen the Wire? Then F
you. You don’t deserve to watch it without spoilers… seriously; it’s a really
old show at this point). Back to the holidays, back to consulting, apple butter…
words. My company Christmas party was Saturday. I would say epic, but merely
that was what we made it. A beer, wine only bar a party doesn’t make. But they had
champagne, so I give them a pass.
How a real party should be. I call dibs. She's so misunderstood. No one likes her cause of her caustic attitude. Yeap, definitely no one would ever hit on her in school... I love romcoms. And health ledger. And consulting.
Well, this guy Johnny Consultant. Didn’t have a date. I know
right? Hard to imagine with my feminine good looks and pudgy body (wait… rugged
good looks and ripped body! Dammit!). At the last moment I convinced a
co-worker from a different office to join the posse since we haven’t seen her
in forever. Besides that my evil intentions were to see if there was any
underlying googley eyes possible. She is wonderful, absolutely gorgeous,
intelligent, and… completely unavailable. Boom! At this point I think I might
actually be on the Truman Show. Can we get to the season where I find someone
dammit?! I want that saved by the bell wedding in Vegas! Except not in vegas.
Maybe in a church in the mountains overlooking Eastern Europe. Whatever. A girl can dream right? Possibly at this
point I need to clarify to people that don’t actually know me that I am male.
With male parts. And a desire to be with a female. Good? Alright. Moving on
people.
Pretty much sums it up. Don't worry, the night is darkest before the dawn. Actually, I'm pretty sure that is scientifically incorrect. F&CK YOU SCIENCE. Also, I cry at night listening to Jack Johnson and eating Rocky Road ice cream. I don't even like ice cream. I just heard it was catnip for ladies.
Anyways, I didn't epically crash and burn (epically is not a real word. Like my life). She was super
sweet and let me down like a gentle baby in the manager (tits the season after
all... haha! child humor!). Which… obviously made me like her more. Crap! Back to the point. I have
come up with some New Years resolutions for myself (not real ones as I intend
to break everyone, and possibly a bone or two). First one. Stop caring. Oh you
thought I didn't already? You ain't seen $hit yet. Two: Stay Sober one day on
the weekend. Not a problem. I am just tired. Instead of spitting game, I
literally have been spitting as I try to talk to women. A good first impression this does
not make. I have others, you will see them in the next blog post. This is just
the start. It’s a revolution. Buffalo soldier. Stuff. Penguins and Ostriches. Also, if a girl isn't available. Maybe… just
maybe… you should look elsewhere? And… there is the first break. Talk to ya’ll
soon!
Thanks for letting me vent people. And by vent, I mean wearing a vented tuxedo ready to MTFU and take over the world one perfectly planned devious plot at a time. Also.. Another reason to cut back, the massive amount of ribs I have been eating. Why doesn't Drunk Johnny love celery, juicing, and ab workouts?!?! WHY?!?!
No comments:
Post a Comment