Whirlwind of disaster known as Hotlanta for the weekend

Holy crapballs… that was a weekend of epicness. Tears were cried, laughter was heard, love was made (somewhere… I’m assuming), I am now with child, and full of tomato juice. Also, epic failures were mastered. “well… now its just awkward for everyone if we don’t make out.” Which brings me to the topic of conversation for all my lovelies known as consultants. Love life. We call it work life balance, but that’s a joke in of itself. There is no work life balance for consultants. We are jet flying, limo riding, kiss stealing sons of bitches that got no time. Basically, due to our heavy work schedule, we have to fit romance into a weekend. Also, our projects are short. Some 6 weeks That’s weird for a career and it leaks into our love lives. 6 week relationships of pure adrenaline passion with nitrous oxide, whippets, and sheep intestines. Make it happen, make it quick, cause there is no idea when we can see each other again. It’s freaking Casablanca every Friday night.

 Obviously I am the girl in this scenario. I have a great quivering lip and we have similar hair Seriously… when did age become such a big deal? If I don’t care, why do you???? Haha okay, enough venting. Moving on. Bloody Mary. That is all.

So our work life balance is always out of whack. It will always be a problem. I might be in NYC next week, I might be in ATL now, I might wake up in SF. Letters. The end of the day is its nearly impossible to have a serious relationship (or at least start one). I am not a one night stand kind of guy (anymore). I want someone to creepily stare into my eyes, hold my hand, pet me, tell me I am pretty, and kiss me gently in front of all my friends to the point where they feel uncomfortable. Love. In your face. I fell in love no less than 4 times this weekend. I am on a sprint here people. Also… cant feel my face. We are all dying. You think I am going to sit around and not swing for the F’n fences? You crazy. But that leaves the question… how should we manage our love life? I am gone all the freaking time, you are going to resent me, hate me, then probably cheat on me, then get fired, then date that loser, then beg for me to come back. Haha… not saying that’s happened, but just saying.

Have you seen me? Its good shit. 

So… we need to have a conversation. I honest to god have no idea what I am doing, but I am ready for love. I already bought the dress…. Creeped out yet? I am. Then someone called me a whore. Actually a wannabe whore. Which might be worse. Im not a whore, I am on a mission to find my one true love and obviously that means I will have to plow through thousands of dates in record time, get weird, and then I will find the one. Actually I already found her. She laughed when I tried to kiss her. Both times. So I decided she wasn’t my true love and sat down to the next girl over. We shared a quilt. It was cute. We are love. Whatever. I’m just impressed I’m alive. Bloody marys, pitchers of mimosas, fireball shots, margaritas, boozy hot chocolate… and that was Sunday. Holy amazeballs. No wonder I can’t stop shaking. Hold me.

They call me dirty johnny. Get excited. Get pumped. No I meant grab that pump right there on the night stand. Let's get weird. 

So now its Monday. I am working. Work life balance. More Work deathly hungover I can’t balance shit and I am pretty sure the cute girl across from me said I smelled. Is it Friday yet? I am ready to fall in love all over again. But that’s the deal. I am ready for a relationship. But I don’t have time to search for the perfect woman. That takes time. I don’t have time to date. I want to jump to the part where we share a double snuggie, tandem bike, and you tell me my cooking is amazing. So this is where we are at. Any advice out there? Gimme. Make it hurt, its okay. I can take it. Also, if anyone can find my soul, please return it. I think it was either with Kittie, Ashley, Tina, or Claudia (obviously I changed the names to protect the innocent; Johnny doesn’t call people out like that). And if you are a girl that knows you are one of those… the others mean nothing. It was just a thing. You are the one for me. Kisses. So goodbye Atlanta. It was fun. You tried to kill me, but I survived. Didn’t get a gf like I wanted, but we did good work ATL.

Haven't had any meetings, but here are the best lines of the weekend:

Johnny, please don’t die

I don’t understand why everyone is not just petting me right now.

Hi, my name is Johnny. I have decided we are going to fall in love.

F it. Grab, kiss, repeat as needed.

What? You just started dating someone? That’s cool. We can kill him. That can happen. Then we can get you pregnant.

You’re awesome. I am awesome. How can this go wrong?

How old am I? Pick a number you are comfortable with.

Penis Penis pumpernickel

We aren't making out? Now its just awkward for everyone present. 

You have the most amazing hair I have ever seen. Really? Thank you... also, I love you. You can touch it.... do it.