Time to get old school on these suits

I know I bark a little too much in my content about being screwed by the local population (at least kiss me first etc.), but some of the nicest people here are just great great people. Like how I started that? Cause here comes the rant haha. One more article about the white tax. And no, I’m not talking about the little girl’s math skills when it comes to fake henna for Lindsay (No! Each stamp is 10 rupees, not the whole hand for 10 rupees)… then again, who can argue with a cute little girl. I’m pretty sure she took the money and started her own hotel. I recently attempted to dry clean one of my crappy suits that I brought to India. Everyone stop doing the math of dry cleaning vs. how long I have been here right now! I get enough grief from Aubry. The humidity, moths, bugs, mold?, all attacked my clothing, leaving spots that look unseemly, dirty, and buggy. The man wanted 560 for a suit jacket. Mind you I just bought a pair of pants for 595. At this stage, I believe a week ago, I was just too tired to deal. Instead of haggling, I just gave him to choice words and left. Cause you know what? Your great granddaddy didn’t have a dry cleaner and he looked like the freaking original Lehman Brother (before the other was born); therefore, time to get old school. I didn’t want to use laundry detergent because I didn’t know how harsh the chemicals are, but you know what feels good on my body? Soap. Most logical decision I ever made. So, I scrubbed my suits with some soap, washed them with cold water, and hung them to dry. Now the humidity is crazy, so took a few days, but they only look half crappy. If I had a press… I might be good to go. Thanks grandpappy! 

Jacket!

First off, Lindsay made it!!! After an excruciating ordeal at immigration (due to her inability to fill out forms), she arrived to the land of Mystics! Alright, I will try to get pictures of her antics later, but I’m sure she will on all her social media platforms (she has been taking pictures of everything). So… back to the reason we are here. Blog Post! Since, every sober person in the universe  voted down the confederate flag post-apocalyptic jacket, we had to go back to the drawing board. She is an amazing designer (school in Cali, lived in NY, now designer in Mumbai – Sidebar: almost all of that rhymed). Here are the 4 jacket designs. That are absolutely awesome! Not telling which one I picked, but I believe the search for a leather jacket ends in Mumbai…

 

 

Just the Tip of the Day: And here I was wondering why it was so hard to find cow leather in India... Oh wait...

The walking dead premiere in Mumbai

After last night’s celebration send off to Neesh, I was not in the mood for food. Aubry ordered from his usual restaurant for lunch (moving from chicken fried rice to Chicken Tikka so watch out diversification Police).  I decided I was going to try something new, and in case I hated it, no biggie, I’m not even hungry. So yea.. what do you think of that food?!? Anywho, a big thing over here is brains. I decided to pull a little reenactment of The Walking Dead. I ordered the brains masala. What I received was the normal curry base.. with a brain chopped basically in half in the bowl. Where the hell is the slice and dice? I want my brain cubed! Not looking at me like a science experiment. Also, received no rice… nice. Took a few bites. I have to say this stuff is really fluffy. Like a lighter marshmellow in texture, melts in your mouth. Not much in the taste department, but it was covered in gravy. Without rice, I had to do something with the big ole pieces, so I toasted bread (and by me, I mean the awesome servants in the office), and made myself a Sammy. The issue with a sandwich is the curry could slide off, leaving the full view of the brain. Looking down at the sandwich, yeap, that’s definitely a brain. Here is to trying new things! Sidebar: I think brains would be excellent with eggs and a side of salsa, the curry overpowered and did not agree with the texture of the meat. Put that on your plate Hannibal.

Just the Tip of the Day: Giving candy to random children is creepy in any country, yet, I still do it.  

Random thoughts and pictures!

I have been extremely lazy, and I apologize. Life just isn't that interesting when you wake up, gym, work, home, sleep ( I am sure I am missing a few things), rinse, repeat. The only time I really get out and about is on the weekends, and I mean do you guys really want to see NSFW pictures? Haha... just kidding, I am all for full frontal Irvin nudity. Anyways, India has a very conservative lifestyle even at the "crazy bars." I have yet dived into the seedy underbelly, but like kitties, they want their underbelly scratched, and I am not willing to pay that price of admission. So I thought I would entertain you guys with some pictures of around the town.

This is the view from outside my front door (on the 5th floor). Not knowing it, you probably wouldn't guess I live in the really ritzy district. Okay, so I live with a family, a toddler that follows me around, a roomate, and all I really have in a room... but its in the hollywood of Bollywood! SO LEAVE ME ALONE. You would be surprised, even in Million Dollar areas, slums are 30 seconds away, because you know, your servants have to live somewhere. Not like you would let them sleep on  your floor... they just cleaned it!

This was taken at the beginning of Ramadan. Soooo I kind of live close to a Mosque. I know you are thinking "RUN" but they actually have good food in the area, where very clean white clothes, have beautiful buildings, and nifty hats. I will go in one soon, just not today. Especially on a big start of a holiday. Also, they fast during this time. Offered a tailor some mint, and he said no. Damn good mint too. His loss. 

This was just a random alley in Colaba off the causeway. Some sort of veggie market. Super beautiful food with all sorts of color. I'm just too lazy to take close pictures. Plus someone has my camera back in the US!!! Gimme! 

Just the Tip of the Day: If you love something, set it free, so I can go hunt it down and eat dinner... 

It's fun to stay at the.. I - N - D - I - A

I promised you two wild and crazy guys.. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. First post… the Hard Rock Café! Cheesy? Sure Overpriced? Yea Murican? You bet your pretty little tush! I needed  had to eat some beef, so I figured this might be the place. Oh and it was. Also? The DJ somehow stole my CD from highschool and slipped it into their overwhelmingly powerful sound system. Sweet Child O’Mine? Check. System of a Down? Check RATM? Check. Nickelback? …. Sadly checked (hey I was young!). At any rate, the dining experience wouldn’t be complete without a gimmick. Today’s gimmick was for the servers to stand up on a ledge, have dance offs, and all around be entertaining at different points during the night. Now, why my waiter was grinding on a ledge instead of getting me a beer? I will never know, but still… made for some good video. Never say I didn’t give you the real Indian experience. You are probably thinking the slums, beggars, cabbies etc., but NO! I am giving you the traditional Indian dance video of YMCA!! You are welcome world!

 

 

Just the Tip of the Day: In every deal, there is an a$$hole, if you don't know who the a$$hole is, look in the mirror. 

 

Two wild and crazy guys!

Are you ready? It's the weekend baby! WHOOOOOO!!! I am going to try to get outside of Bandra tonight, hit up the Parel with Patron, Colaba for Pina Coladas (you like that? come on... you smirked a little). Get ready for some action. Get Fly, Get ready. Here... we... go!!!!!!!!!!

Aubry and I are dressed to impress.

 

 

Just the Tip of the Day: *Shouting over the music* No matter what, Just keep grinding!

 

 

Consultation with Dr. Swerve

I scheduled an online consultation with the best in the biz.... for your reading pleasure!

me:  http://clintindia.blogspot.in/2013/07/ahh-india-is-trying-to-kill-me-selfies.html

Dr. Swerve:  bahahahahaha gross

 me:  you are welcome. I assume you will send that out on the company email to everyone

 Dr. Swerve:  hahaha sure CDC+all

 Dr. Swerve:  have you had a fever?

 me:  slightly. hard to tell though cause its warm and hot here. you know? Why?

 Dr. Swerve:  typhoid. can cause stomach pains, and a rose-colored rash. What are the signs and symptoms of typhoid fever?

Persons with typhoid fever usually have a sustained fever as high as 103° to 104° F (39° to 40° C). They may also feel weak, or have stomach pains, headache, or loss of appetite. In some cases, patients have a rash of flat, rose-colored spots. The only way to know for sure if an illness is typhoid fever is to have samples of stool or blood tested for the presence of Salmonella Typhi.

 me:  definitely not a fever that high. didnt i get a typhoid shot?

 Dr. Swerve:  did you?

 me:  can you?

 Dr. Swerve:  yes. it is good for two years

 me:  hmm. uh oh. Haha. i have had a headache. but thought it was weather. no way I have a 103 temp though

 Dr. Swerve:  i would go to the dr

 me:  and loss of appetite. but i have been eating

 Dr. Swerve:  each person's symptoms are different

 me:  f*** me. that would suck. how does it kill you?

 Dr. Swerve:  stool test - fun

 me:  ahh done those before

 Dr. Swerve:  slowly and painfully. but azithromycin will kill it in most cases

me:  is it not from the dehydration from the poops

 Dr. Swerve:  does not necessarily cause diarrhea

 me:  i thought that is what kills

 Dr. Swerve:  not always

 me:  then what kills you. the fever? something kills you. i would like to know what about the bacteria kills me. not like it leaks out grabs a knife and goes pyscho on me.

 Dr. Swerve:  complications from the fever

 me:  hahaha

 Dr. Swerve:  20% mortality rate

 me:  but im supermortal. whats the supermortality rate? 1%?

 Dr. Swerve:  ha

 me:  Typhoid Vaccine 0.5 cc IM (Administered) 12/6/2012 from emory. suck it

 Dr. Swerve:  awesome

 me:  should i take that Zpack?

 Dr. Swerve:  no

 me:  but that kills bacteria

 Dr. Swerve:  but you do not know that you have a bacterial infection

 me:  yea i do. it told me

 Dr. Swerve:  ha

me:  typhoid mary doesn't have a weird distant cousin right? the one with the limp and lazy eye? i might have that.

 Dr. Swerve:  hahahaha no i dont think so

Ahh! India is trying to Kill Me! + Selfies!

So apparently India is attempting to kill me. I don’t know if its bugs or a rash, but I’m betting rash. The question is… allergic to what? And if the allergy is something I touched in India. How can I avoid it?!? Everything is everywhere here! The bumps accumulated slowly at first, then boom, tons. The beast has taken over my right shoulder, right arm, part of my left shoulder, and a few spots on my hands, and I think I noticed one on my leg. Haha. Hopefully, this is just heat rash. My landlord told me to go obtain some medicine that reminds me of the nail polish we would put on chigger bites.  Just to be safe, I slept upside down in my bed (like in a black mass) to avoid (seriously thought that would help?) potential critters from feasting on the sweet sweet nectar that is my body.

Anyways, I am going to give it a day or two (or weekend) to see if this stuff heals. Until then, I am rocking out pink slime like a Ghostbuster (2^nd movie with the walking lady liberty… does she shave?). Taking a break to go to the bathroom with pink lotion and a book during work is interesting though. I am sure the imaginations off all in the office are off to the races. Pink Lotion + Business Historical Novel + long time in Bathroom = weird fetish about Leverage Buyouts. Hey! I  have to allow the pink sludge to dry! Don’t worry, I am still trucking along!  But hey, at least you get to witness my first selfie. Do bad this is self-deprecating haha. 

Look at the concentration in those eyes! 

Just the Tip of the Day: If it looks like something you shouldn’t touch… you should probably touch it. What’s the worst that could happen? Napoléon didn’t get anywhere by keeping his hand in his jacket… Oh Wait… SH&T… 

Looky Looky here comes pukey

I got several things I want to talk about today, but we will see. As the fates foretold of any traveler to a 3^rd world country. I am sick. Haha. I will get to that in a bit. First, I want to talk about the concept of the Indian lie. No matter what you are asking, you will get an affirmative answer. Directions, pricing, what can be done, etc. Then the moment you concede, you are ready to rumble, everything changes. Whether the suit was going to be 11,000 INR and then you get to the store and it is over 18,000 INR, whether you are being driven in circles by a cabbie as he stops to ask directions when he told you he knew the way, whether… actually doesn't matter, you will get put over a barrel. For those younger readers that do not know the last phrase, please do not google. Unless you ask your parents first. Then go for it.

Alright back to the main issue. I am on my traditional third world diet. I don’t care where I go, I usually get sick, drop a few lbs., and look amazing. At this point in my life, I typically just laugh at the situation (in between dropping to my knees, grabbing my stomach, and cursing the gods). So I made it to work, albeit a few hours late. I think the sickness has run its course. Not nearly as the dueling puking Ian and I faced in Thailand, and not near as bad as Fred, the assassin that attempted to kill me in Nepal. Also, not as bad as Peru (although that was my fault since I willingly drank the vine of the dead).  When in Rome… might as well climb into the gladiator arena. Anyways, I am sweating at work, with less stomach pain, A/C is on high (not helping). I asked a servant for some cereal… and guess what? They microwave it here. So odd. I couldn't imagine nuking my raisin bran. Sidebar, not that bad. Also, they remodeled the kitchen/cafeteria. The majority of the day is occupied by the workers scurrying about. Now… as an aficionado of dangerous smells, that paint is lethal, and they are in there all day! Lucky bastards. I will put another post up when I feel like moving! Until then, your daily dosage of picture.

Filming for the reality show, Clint is an Idiot.

Just the Tip of the Day: I think the wisest adage I ever gave humanity was *puking sound.*

The remnants of July 4th food and the Amazing Aubry... crosses a street

Food coma! I didnt eat dinner, and had an apple and protein bar for lunch because this was the massacre that occurred. We went to an all you can eat buffet for lunch. Which was under $10. Don't tell anyone I snuck a beer. I will hurt you.  Also included the death defying Aubry the Amazing attempting the grandest feat of them all... crossing a street in India. You will all remember our dear friend Ian the Irresistible was wounded attempting a similar feat in Vietnam circa December 2012.  Truly, these great men are amazing. First... the food!

Aubry estimated we had over 10 skewers apiece in addition to the sides and chicken they brought

A brave man indeed

Happy 4th of July!!!

They make you work on the 4th?!?! How Un-American! Oh wait... Im not in Merica... whatever. I am going to have a meat buffet today! (please hold all inappropiate jokes). I made a few pictures for my own celebration since I doubt fireworks, mayhem, and Merica patriotism will abound here. Just think, last year I was sitting on the hooch...

Did you guys hear about the failed Spin-off Dukes of Mumbai??

Trader Vic's... India? Oh Hell Yea!

For those of you not in the realm of accessible knowledge, one of my Dad’s favorite restaurants is Trader Vic’s (now aren’t you kicking yourself for not knowing?). Anyways, this is a restaurant in the ATL at the bottom of the Hilton. Nice drinks, Hawaiian atmosphere, Chinese wood fire grills, you get the idea. On a side note I recommend going there during Dragon-Con because you can  sneak through the restaurant to the hotel elevator and get into the lobby bars which are locked off during this time (spoiler!!). I mean, superheroes, anime, costumes, revealing outfits (for better or for worse)… that’s awesome. Okay back to the story. Trader Vic’s is one of my dad’s favorite restaurants. We usually end up there, alfredo’s, or manuels on special occasions in Atlanta. So I was determined to see World War Z. I took the local train since I am an expert now… except it was a busy day. Now I understand what everyone warned me about. Just like zombies on crack (not the old school ones), before the train even stops, people are jumping off, shoving, whatever. I already mentioned that in another post. I fought my way to the Phoenix Mill Mall. Damn… that’s a nice mall. I’m talking about Phipps if Phipps took the class up a notch. I meandered through the rich and famous of Mumbai in my soaked toe shoes, torn shorts… but hey! a buttoned down collar shirt. You are welcome America for staying classy and representing. I bought my ticket ($6.00 3-d, seat assigned), and turned. What do you think I saw?!?! A Trader Vic’s!!! Okay, it was their mai tai lounge concept, but a win is a win! I went into the theater, got my combo meal ($6 chicken hot dog, tub O’ popcorn, Pepsi, and chips) and saw the movie. First, they play the national anthem before a movie. Odd? But I’m in. Intermission during a chase scene with zombies? Screw you man. Afterwards, I had to make a stop. I sat at the bar and in family tradition at this point, ordered the infamous “Suffering Bastard.” That’s thing packs a punch. I chatted with the bartender about Trader Vic’s in Atlanta as they were curious about prices, drink consistency, etc. Fun Times. Here’s to you Trader Vic’s!! Thank you for making me feel at home!

Just the Tip of the Day: If you are unsure... act ignorant and march forward. 

Whippin out the GoPro

Finally busted out the GoPro! I am slowly but surely mastering the secret photo. The problem I think was I was walking to fast; therefore, most came out blurry. I am becoming obsessed with the local train stations with the open air doors, fans, and sheer thrill. On my way back, the train was crowded (now I understand what everyone was telling me). The fight begins before the train stops, people jumping off, people jumping on, shoving and pushing. I am pretty sure they mean no harm or insult… but man I wanted to deck someone. Thank goodness I am larger than most of the population. Can’t wait for the Big Guy to get here haha. I think the train is even harder for a foreigner though. We are the prime targets for pickpockets, so there is all this fighting… and we have to do it one handed. I kept all my valuables (camera, wallet, etc) in my front pant’s pockets with my hand firmly in the pocket. The other arm was for the pushing and shoving. Hopefully, the camera skills will improve, and I promise video at some point!

Just the Tip of the Day: Apparently, just because some one punches or pushes you doesn't mean they want to fight or cause you harm... interesting.