Consultant Contest

Alright, last post was an off day. Apparently, not many people want to know my obsession with fresca or my desire to lay her down like the lady she is. So this one will be strictly consulting. I promise. Would I lie to you? Well you lied to me! You’re dead to me! No, really, I hate you all. Every speck. But all you other people. You are wonderful! We can love again. Have you heard of my non-profit? Another conversation another day Johnny…  So how about them consultants?

The unhealthy obsession with Kristen Bell will continue. The hottest actress playing a consultant on TV.... 

Some of you follow me on the twitter. Most don’t. I’m not that interesting to be honest. Twitter doesn’t have gifs. And if you think gifs are only of cats you are a moron that deserves every last $hitty thing that happens to you. And I hate you. Like cats hate you for never being there or bringing home weirdos that are losers. Yea… we have all been there. We know better, but we don’t really do anything about it. We are comfortable with our $hitty lives, and hey they are the perfect complement!  @Johnny_Consult. Follow me. Love me. I post funny things. Mostly retweets from more intelligent people. Alright back to the beginning. Consulting. My awesome life. I got friends… hey A-hole! Don’t look so f’n surprised. They are awesome and do weird things like Beta Breakers, actually can afford wine but choose not to be arrogant B’s about it, entertain the ideas of strippers with hearts of gold, and eating dog on the streets of Vietnam.

Okay, so my two friends don't look like this... but they have great personalities... 

Anyways, they are fellow consultants. Crowbar (name changed to protect… well actually I don’t know why, he doesn’t care)… you are a consultant. I know you work for a “hedge fund,” but you basically consult all the techies with your wondrous ways with words, Mothra references, and a Moroccan oiled beard.  Windy, I think I already mentioned in another post. Half Man Half Freak. But the lovable kind you take home to Mom until he declines saying “are you f’n kidding me? Who are you again? I haven’t had a cognizant thought in one month.” A super success guy. Therein lies the problem. We get bored. We consult, its awesome and dynamic. We basically eat pray love and dry hump throughout the nation, yet we always strive for more.

Absolutely not what Windy looks like. He doesn't own a bow tie.

Well I brought up twitter (and I guess FB too) because I made a great accomplishment last week. Within a meeting, I managed to sneak in a SNICK and Ghostbusters reference. The leader of the meeting, same level as me, was obviously very confused (you know the tall, handsome, never seen a TV show type cause they were locked in a basement for most their life being water boarded about mathematics. 

You might be a scientist, but if you don't know Ghostbusters... well quite frankly you are a prick.

That being said, one girl rolled her eyes (cause she knows how awesome and attentive I am) and my buddy tried to hide his laughter at the awkward situation. Well Windy called me out. He upped me. He had a rocky horror picture show reference in a meeting. Now that’s a strong beginning. Of course we have to start a contest. So I am calling all consultants (especially Windy and Crowbar). It’s on.

You consultant enough? Huh? I can't hear you. My shirt is too loud. 

We are going to have a running contest. Best reference in a meeting wins each week. Wins what you ask? I don’t know dammit. Maybe a shirt with a buzz word on it. Maybe we should share best practices (arrow pointing down). Maybe we will start a kickstarter campaign for funding. You like that? You little hipster? How about I know that dumb hat off your head, and joke you out with your Nepalese flower scarf. Crap, you like that. Ugh, just go away. Haha, anyways, we will have a prize! Comment on here, twitter me, facebook me. I don’t give a damn. Just get them to me. I know Windy and Crowbar are in… are you? Help me turn the consulting industry into the show Psych (personal dream of mine).

Obviously I am the one wearing the awesome shirt. $hit... they are all awesome. One LOVE!

One day.... this will help a consultant. Don't lie. Also, WHAT IS UP NYC! Miss you guys already. You gave me the right medicine. No longer itches. Kisses!

Yea you know what I want... and you gonna give it to me.

Warning: This is what this blog post is about. Consulting, buzz words, but most of all. Love. 

Alright let’s talk consulting stuff before I go down that awesome death spiral of my mind and end up in a place inexplicitly weird, with no idea where I am, and possibly missing clothes. Like the bushes outside my ATL condo, or the wrong elevator bank, or down a mountain in the Himalayas. Damn, I love my life. Oh yea. Consulting. Hi. So my firm made me move out to the West Coast, but you never know where your client will be located. You want to be a team player, and you don’t have much of a choice anyways. So you fly. Tons. That means when I come out to NYC, I should be considered as a guy doing the heavy lifting (buzz word), cause they are hurting my work life balance (buzz word) more than the localized weenie consultants. So you fly. I don’t mind flying. I used to be scared out of my mind. Afraid of dying, plane crashing, babies next to me, people who take up more than their share of the aisle. Then I stopped being afraid. I became indifferent. Which is probably something to talk about with a therapist, but you guys are my friends right? Anyways, flying is just A-okay in my book. So I am planning another post on flying. I figured out my true love on the flight yesterday. She’s everything I have dreamed of. I’m so excited!

 

 

This is what I look like when I get excited. You know its true. And you love me for it. Now pull my hair.

Let’s be honest. Fresca is amazing. It’s perfect. The Penelope Cruz of drinks. If Fresca was a lady. I would have her, need her. I might even be a gentleman. Hold her hand at first. Whisper sweet nothing in the fizziness that is her effervescent soul. Love at first sight gentlemen, this is what is all about.  I would try to take things slow, but to be honest, mixed with a little vodka (maybe her cousin black cherry fresca) this party could go from lounge session to something not seen since that weird time back in the 60’s sexual revolution swingers hanging from the rafters. Like the pony. God… just the athleticism. I’m not even turned on, I am just… impressed. I think that girl can bench me. Dammit, off track again. Fresca is a lady and must be treated as such. I would be shy, a smile, a giggle here. You know. Gentleman $hit. Always treat her right. I will wait till right after her Quinceanera to ask her padre for her hand in marriage…. Oh yea. That taste nice.

 

So Fuego right now...

That being said. We already got beef Fresca. Why no love me? If you really loved me you would change. I need you, but I got other needs. Yea… you know what I’m talking about. CAFFEINE. WHAT THE HELL WOMAN?

 REDBULL VODKA!!! 

You are perfect, yet you have this glaring deficiency. Like if the woman you love that is perfect all of a sudden turns out to be satan… or a dude. Whatever. Just inject yourself with some caffeine Fresca. Then Coke can be out of my life forever. Not needed. It can be just us. I am a consultant. The brain waves supplying all this value added knowledge runs a supply chain of thoughts, and you are being the freaking bottleneck! I’m sorry, I still love you. Are you down for a polyamorous soda relationship? Those Fanta girls are bangin!

 

Im looking for fresca in the streets and fanta in the sheets - Side Shout to Rogie for the assist!! 

If you steal the tops of bagels, and no one is around to see it, does anyone care/judge/hate you?

FOLLOW ME @JOHNNY_CONSULT … leaves a nice flavor in yo mouth.

Okay guys, back on the west coast. I know you have missed me. NYC was great, beautiful women, touristy stuff, margaritas were consumed (honestly why wouldn't you drink them everyday anywhere is beyond me). We have hit Friday. The Sunday for consultants. Go to church day. Hey, I’m from the bible belt so if you don’t get that, go ask a southern friend (come on… you know you have one). We go into the office cause the higher power wants us to, and we hope to get 3 wishes granted for our obedience… might be mixing references there. Anyways, you go to network, not actually work. As in the previous post, we are all doing a good job, so the next point to promotion? Likability and Remembrance . Kind of like da club. Assume we are all good looking (I am by the way), then what’s next? Probably remembrance (peacock that bia) and be nice. Boom. That bombshell? That boy toy? You are their first choice. Congrats. You are a horrible person.

I’m Jessie. I know. It’s sad. So much promise. Then became a stripper that couldn’t dance… but she could love…. She could love.

Okay, so the point of this post is to discuss office etiquette. Kind of. This is more of a confessional for me. I committed the ultimate sin. It’s Friday, the Consultant’s Lord’s day. The firm knows this; therefore, they supply bagels in the morning. Delicious bagels. Now, for the first point, I am anti-bagel. The basis is empty calories that you schmear glop on and eat. They are amazing, but horrible for you. You think I can maintain this Channing Tatum like body with that crap? Please change. Please supply fruits (not fruit cups asstards) and maybe some vegetables. Then hit me when I grab too much fruit. It’s for my own good. I know you love me. That’s why you talk with your fists….

 Put down the fruit cup! It’s fructose!

Crap. Tangent attack again. Anyways, bagels. So I took the top of one of the cheese ones. I know, same thing as taking the top of the muffin, but I’m worried about calories. I ate, delicious. Salmon spread you know. Felt like I was in NYC (which I was 15 hours before?), but not really, but really. Im from a small town. Our sheriff cooks hotdogs on Saturdays while people sit on the lawn near city hall and people play live gospel and bluegrass. Give me this to me Dammit!!! Phew… moving on. The time change made my stupid stomach think it was lunch time. One half bagel wasn’t going to do it. So I got another… top half. I KNOW!! The ultimate sin in any office. I GANKED TO TOP HALVES OF A BAGEL. INTERNET AND READERS, I AM SORRY. PLEASE DON’T DISOWN ME. I am so tired. One coke, 2 coffees, and I can’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was delirious (side note… could go for a delirium right now. Awesome sauce beer).  Now not only did I commit this sin, but I was a bad consultant as well. What is the value in a food that is about the equivalent of a loaf of bread?!?! NOTHING. No value add. NO synergies with anything else in my system. NOTHING. I might as well quit. Move on. Become a guy that fixes antique tricycles and live my life with long hair, smoking drugs, and saying “Yea.. Im not really into that corporate thing… its so soulless. This is real life man.”

My life as it could have been. Yea, its hot. But they have no clothes, no job, no food, and winter is coming. Basically he will end up selling his body to older men for meth money while she dances at Gold Rush in Atlanta where guys laugh at her C-scars. And they won’t be together. If they were together… they would be dead. In shallow graves. And with environmental laws in GA right now you need 60 acres at a minimum I believe to zone a cemetery, and environmentals, so they won’t even get to be buried together on a hill in the Carolinas. More like burned and dumped outside somewhere in ATL. Hmm… but the hours are nice….

To summarize. I apologize. I apologize to you the reader, to God, to my coworkers, and to my children. That was a horrible thing to do and I will never forgive myself. I apologize to the consulting industry. I added no value. I was the bottleneck of happiness for everyone in my office. Also, I have found my soul mate or Nemesis. They have a consulting tumblr website and are funny (less substance, more gifs… like a really hot model). Either we can be together forever, or enemies till once of us dies. They haven’t posted in a while… so I already won. Sorry my loves.  http://dontconsultme.tumblr.com . And there might be a jump in logic, but of course they have to be two beautiful women… they just have to. Or I feel weird about the whole situation. Anyways, I now know for a fact that they are women, cause I can see them. Through the window. Hi ladies… 

Can I interest you two ladies in a snickerdoodle?

First Project, First Problem... Mo' Value, Mo' FML

Alright, so I had been a consultant for a month, but I have been on the bench / beach (post about that later). So to be honest, I was in a slight panic. My friend Windy at a different firm(name changed for his protection) was on the bench for maybe a week… maybe. I was feeling unloved. Then I got the call. A project. Bam. Done son. Then I got another call. No go on the project. Wham, Blam Boy. Then I got the real call haha. First project! Whoooo! Get excited.

First thought: I’m going to be a jet flyin, limo ridin, styling, profiling, kiss stealin, wheeling dealing machine in the fantasy that is the reality of the only NYC. Back up career in Rap? Probably not.

Someone loves you. You haven’t met them, but they called you. They want you. Snuggles all around for everyone. YOU are going to rock this project. This is why you went to Bschool. You are going to value add so much that their synergies is going to burst and you will be raised up as the best practices of all time (my nickname in highschool by the way Johnny best practices. And no. I’m not lying… ask all those women (1…maybe 1)… she will back me up. Wait. She’s in jail for meth? With her mother? FML man… those were the good ole days right? When they still had teeth. Mmmmm… smiles.

See this is called foreshadowing… of my life in consulting.

So I was planning on hitting NYC, and hitting it hard. I was gonna tear that place up. You heard of that Texas A&M A hole Johnny Manzel? I’m Johnny Consultant. I don’t play. Mr. Football? Psshhhh. Mr. Consultant.  My steely gaze will boil the ocean. $hit will erupt like a volcano of actionable items. Land on Sunday, office on Monday. I go to the head boss guy. Ready to strut my stuff like a dolla balla. I end up looking more like this guy….

Now, I know most of you. Johnny… Thor really? First, that’s not the point, but yes I do have a body of a greed god (I guess nordic in this instance?)... with just lots more body hair. Anywho, The point is supposed to be I looked like an ass hat with no idea what was going on. And on another point. Did you see Thor? Horrible acting (just like my meeting with the boss), felt like I had to psychically force my way through the meeting (just like Thor and the fight scenes),I was completely unbelievable (you’ve seen the movie right?), and yea again… no idea what I was doing or saying. Also, last week I had to be Kristen Bell in a gif, so I deserve this one. Suck on that.

So after the first meeting, my world was shattered. How am I going to survive? I just was headlighted like a deer by senior management. His beard was fuller, shiner, and healthier than mine!!!! So I sat down at my desk, and realized something: nothing’s changed. He sent some material I haven’t read yet, I still don’t know who my client is, so in actuality… I still don’t have my first project. Thanks consulting. Another curveball for ole Johnny. I hate you. (ps I love you, please call me back… its been like 15 messages… in the past 3 hours. I know you are there. I can see you through the window). 

The end of the first day... hair still lookin good though

Personality in the workplace: A No-No or a Oh Hell Yea!

Let the sun shine in...

Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about me. Let’s talk about us and see where we can be….

When joining a new firm, you can be intimidated. There are new spaces, new faces, free coffee that is different, yet strangely familiar to your old coffee. You feel like a cockroach, running from the slightest movement or light, hiding in the corners, waiting to multiply. Here is the question though: How much of your personality should you show in your new office? Of course you will acclimate over time, but first impressions are a big thing (firm handshake, easy on the chest hair fella).

Let’s be honest. We are all tame when we first start our job. This is a fact. Some people have no personality in the beginning, slowly letting the weird seep through. Some stay with no personality. Some are full blast personality day one (those A types which I am convinced are a myth created by people to feel good about themselves…another day Johnny… another day).  That first impression will make or break you, and if you pretend to be something you aren’t… God forbid you show your true nature down the road. Most likely your colleagues will feel betrayed, hate you, like that cheating ex you want to…. Another day Johnny… another day…

I believe we are all missing a huge opportunity. Day One, I say be yourself. You want to be a leader? Show your personality and your style Day One. If you don’t they might never consider you a leader. And if you have the cahones to lead and you don’t act like yourself at origination, you wasted time brother. Poof gone. Not coming back. Like your bunny that mysteriously disappeared after you returned from India and your parents shrugged but then fed you this amazing ragu…

I’m not saying treat work like prison, find the biggest guy, shank him and then beat him with a tray, but that’s not the worst idea. Downplaying your awesomeness is a bad idea. You got the job. You are now a consultant. Act like it. You think in house of lies they aren’t themselves? By the way my role is Kristen Bell… sweet.

Show more than you demand. Ask questions. This is natural, but work hard, and don’t be afraid of who you are. If we are all value drivers, then drive hard people! Let's be honest with ourselves... everyone we work with in the consulting industry is pretty damn smart. What will get you to the next level? Being quiet? Or bootstrapping up, being the greatest person on the planet, and letting that sunny disposition through? Follow the quips and rules of leadership, but don’t back down from who you are. Trust me. If they are going to hate you, it is only a matter of time before your true self comes out, and they still hate you. Then you just wasted time. You want to know if the company is a good cultural fit? Then be yourself (not advisable on a client… then be whoever you need to be). So in summary, don’t be afraid to be you. Relish in you. Roll around in it. Get dirty. Have fun, because the drones that follow the herd and are scared… will always be doing that. Following the herd. Risk and reward baby. Now, I’’m going to double down on this dice game in the alley.

On a side note… be yourself, but don’t be a dumbass. Those awesome colloquialisms you invented in B-school? Might want to drop them. I caught myself talking about happy hour last week to a coworker I previously met once. I suggested a different spot, and he agreed saying “I get tired of the same place every Friday.” I jumped on the spot to develop a connection, “I know right? I say, let’s give this place a shot… let’s get weird.” See? Probably could have left that last part out. Do it, do it right, but do it please.

Love and the workplace. Oil and Water? Or Vodka Redbull?

A conversation definitely not on gchat:

	Johnny:               If I am sharing a cubicle with a coworker that is female, does that make her my office wife? or are we just office dating?
	Johnny:        Do I need to TDR? Suzie:            Whats a TDR? Johnny:        Crap that’s a banking term! DTR Suzie::           Whats that? Johnny:         Seriously? How long have you been in a relationship? Define The Relationship Suzie:            Do you wake up everyday and just thinking of new things to increase the odds of getting fired? Johnny:          But the firm can’t kill True Love! Even the witch in Snow White couldn’t & she had an apple! Suzie:               ……. Dating in the workplace. This is a hard decision (no pun intended… okay maybe a little). I used to work in a place where this wasn’t an issue. The median age of my last place was 10 if not 15+ years. Also, I have always had the rule of not dipping the pen in the company ink, but this has changed! As a consultant, we have several Lines of Business, Departments, and clients. Interactions with people that more than likely we will never see again. Obviously you don’t go up or down the chain of command, but what about linear… to someone not in your department? To that project that is ending, and the tension can be cut with a chainsaw (we don’t do knives here). What is okay? What is wrong? What if it feels right but is wrong what if its feels wrong but is right what if its whatever feeling right ARGH! As you can see, this situation is a problem. Instead of telling me what not to do, which is always helpful joining a firm, tell me what I can do. I want to see the Training video “Hey Johnny, see that girl over there? Different department. She is waaaayyy into you. If you are amicable, you have every right to go talk to her and see what happens over mimosas and shrimps.” WHERE’S THAT VIDEO?? Anyways, I want this blog to be more interactive. What are the levels that are okay? Whats the not so obvious not okay ones? Draw me a Venn diagram. Get funky. Someone run a regression about sleeping with your boss and promotions!! Why did we graduate MBA school and become consultants if we can’t help our personal lives?? Strategic Decision Analysis. I am over here drawing issue trees with freaking hearts… crap she noticed… I think we are getting an office-divorce L Finally: your pumped up song of the day. Chin up mister, you can always work somewhere else:

Johnny Consultant: Everything is not fine

As a consultant, we are consistently told to add value. I will have another blog post on buzzwords later, but today’s agenda is a problem. I like the idea of a firm that pushes employees to not just do the job, but to actively add something more. Like that nutmeg in the spaghetti sauce nobody can tell what it is… but dammit, it just feels right.

So recently I relocated to San Francisco. My parents asked me what I thought. I told them all the wonderful things and a few reservations, to which my Mother stated “So… B-minus.” Kinda harsh, but she wants me home. I get that. I am awesome. With all the other bees in my head making the hive nervous, stupid, and paranoid at times, San Francisco is hard to judge. I love it, but the problem might be within. That being said… here it comes… the point!

I was standing outside. In the sun. Looking over the bay. The Golden Gate Bridge to my left, Alcatraz to my right. Just taking a break from a run, a new idea pushed on me as a stress reliever. Crissy Fields. Just a break. The time when my thoughts usually pour back in the full pitcher, and I have to start running again to silence the splashing. I smiled, which has been somewhat difficult lately (muscle spasms… I swear). “I am going to be just fine.”

I commonly imagine myself as Rogue from the X-men... but only the cartoon series

I picked up the pace and ran back to my apartment. I sat on my stoop, cause that’s how I do, catching my breath. Then it hit me. “I’ll be just fine” Really? That’s it Johnny? When did it become okay to “be just fine.” Fine, should not even be in our vocabulary as consultants. Spectacular, Monolithic, Awesome, Amazing, Awesozing. Hell, we should make up our own words because the English language cannot grasp the gravity of what is our lives, our minds, our destinies if we choose.

So when did this cliché of “I’ll be just fine” come into play? When did that become the benchmark? We need accept that “just fine” is not okay. It’s not fine. Hell, it’s not even acceptable. We have grown soft as a people to where “just fine” seems spectacular. The way you should live life. I have never settled for fine. That’s why my life has been a whirlwind of spectacular stories, grave situations, peak topping experiences, passionate love, and deep despairing misery. Because FINE is not an option.

Now in this new job as a consultant, I must relegate that fine is not my destiny or target. If fine gets in my way, I will charge right through, causing as much damage as possible. We should all strive not to only be the best you, but be above the best you. Best should be the benchmark. The indifferent level where you go “Meh, at least I tried.” Be revolutionary.

Do this in all areas of your life. Job, Personal, Recreational, Relationship, All of it. Now I’m not saying act like a badass and tip the IT guy at your office when he fixes Microsoft office because it crashed for the 5^th time today. But in your work product, shatter everyone else. And yes it’s not a competition, so bring a few friends along. You are trying to be spectacular, not destroy others so you merely appear spectacular. Einstein wasn’t around disconnecting the Cable on Ben Franklin’s computer. Continuously exceed expectations. Make people’s heads turn. Because if you aren’t being spectacular, you are being normal. You are a stagnation point on the regression of mediocrity. Be an outlier, or quit. Go to the park and play chess with the old guys that have been spectacular all their lives. Give up. So next time that thought enters your mind of “I’ll be just fine,” scream and run away to the sweet, sweet arms of Extreme Superiority. Only then, will your time in the trenches be worthwhile.  

This is how I envision my other self... clapping for you. For being awesome

Side Rant:

Did your grandpappy shooting down Nazi’s think “I’ll be just fine on the bench in Merica.” No he didn’t. Well the draft too… crap. But you get what I am saying. He pulled up his bootstraps marched across Europe (even France… and let’s be honest… they still haven’t forgiven us for helping out). Did your Grandmother say “Oh... he will be just fine?” No way man, she starting pumping iron like Arnold and built freakin planes.  Past generations know fine was not okay, so get with the program!