Value Management, mental erections, life stories, and true love...

Alright. First off, I have to vent. I keep getting cookies. Not the awesome kind either (thin mints and oreos suck, screw you American opinion). The ones saying “this website has nude photos of someone you know” and this is a work computer! And no, I’m not looking at porn… geez. I’m watching television illegally. That’s like the Punky Brewster of sins. Anywho, does that work on people? I have to be honest, 90% of the people I know are either guys, women I don’t want to see naked, family, repeat. So… there is a 10% chance this will be awesome vs. OH DEAR LORD! GRANDMA?!?!  Yea… so F you internet. Not going to do it. Not going to click… $hit… I clicked.

Just as powerful... much more dangerous. The mental erection. If you want to know more email me at suds_n_bubbles@needadate.com . Only female applicants please. Yes, the unicorn is included. Also, can't in good conscious put a gif of punky brewster on her. She committed the ultimate sin against men. Seriously?!? A reduction?!?!

Alright... now for the kickoff. Value management, that’s what we consultants do. We are paid by clients to deliver some sort of valuable solution through rose colored lenses that they never thought of before because they were either A. Scared B. Stupid C. A & B or D. more worried about their erectile dysfunction secret becoming known to their new girlfriend. Don’t worry ladies. I won’t leave you out. Or… if a woman client, she is concentrating on never being able to climax either to A. She’s in her own head B. The guys sucks C. She sucks or D. her va jay jay has teeth (only happened to me… once). Basically, the client is never normally truly dumb, but it’s a combination of angst, self-loathing, 9 – 5ism, or needing a scapegoat. The solution is almost secondary. The true value is the warm and gooey feeling we give our client when we let them inside us *cough* deliver the “value added solution through creative brainstorming / boiling the ocean sessions resulting in a deliverable.”

This is how I feel in most meetings. My boners are meeting shy. No idea why. Now for dates on the other hand... nope. Still fearful. I wish women would stop being mean haha. I swear its not me. Also anything with teeth not in the mouth should be killed. Happy hunting boys. 

The problem as consultants, is we stray away from this value management (don’t worry the fun stuff comes below, like me… how is that not a shirt yet??). We forget our job. The client says I want Revenues up 2% over the year, and boom, like trained gogo girls, we start sashaying or hips, gyrating the pelvis, till revenues are up 2% (I know, I know.. you didn’t want that visual of me. If you did… please don’t call me. I don’t want to be with you). This is the same problem we have with dating (see the normal thought process? Every. Damn. Week.)  Honestly I don’t even know if this is a consultant blog anymore. Maybe dating advice? Maybe advice you should never follow? Maybe me venting. Maybe me declaring how great my life is? A Hate Charlotte blog? Its life. Who knows. I think we get the answer key when we die. No… that’s cool, you go first and hand the answer key back to me. Thanks buddy. 

*Swishes hair back* Alright I am back folks. Value management. We shouldn’t worry about the 2%, there are real reasons behind it. That’s the focal point. Do we really want to bed the girl home in the bar? (Circle one. Yes, No, Maybe, Is that rhetorical?!). Or are we so desperate for human interaction that we will take one night of fake emotional intimacy to fill our gas meter up for a few hours? Light that cigarette, take that mimosa, and cry one tear. Just one. No one will see. So, forget the 2%, forget the getting laid. Think about what the value is you are looking for? Love, sexual interaction. Either way, the one night stand won’t work. Love is love. And Sexual Interaction… well once sucks, why not make it a continuous festival of gratuitous carnal hedonism? Mmmm… carnal sounds like caramel. My favorite sex candy. The liquid kind, not the hard kind. Weirdo.

Note: Does not work in a bar! Repeat... does not work in a bar! Keep your hopeless romanticism to yourself Johnny!!!  And I thought I looked fancy in pearls. Now hand me the caramel.... 

  And you thought I forgot about the client cause of my tangent? Forget you like Ceelo forgets vegetables. The girl that you are taking home? Think she is interested in a one night thing? Come on man. You don’t look like AC Slater. Simply put, clients sometimes have blinders on, and our job is to remove the blinders without spooking the horse.  Find the value she wants. Daddy issues? Be the guy that she won’t take home. Vulnerable from the love of her life dumping her after she cheats? Be loving, but firm. Normal girl? Be yourself. Hahaha, you actually bought that for a second didn’t you? Find the value. I’m not saying don’t be yourself. I am saying display and accentuate the personality traits where she will find value. Obviously some things you can’t overcome. Lesbians won’t like guys, just like some girls don’t like fatties. Its life. We all have our prejudices. But… big ole butt, if you can get past the initial subconscious “would I F this guy” test. The rest is icing and sealant (don’t eat anything I bake… ever). So… go making some f’n money with a client or go to your nearest bar and find your own Disney Princess (I called dibs on Ariel and Cinderella… I’m sure one will have me).

See? Its like meant to be! She's a crazy ass princess, and I am a big ole hairy beast man with a loving, kind personality trapped within. And fangs. Just grab my cheeks, scream at me, then plant one on me. Just be aggressive! Dammit! How are we suppose to die together if you don't?!?! Wait? I have to do stuff? Pass... where's the girl with all the tattoos about some dragon? I have a wide variety of tastes.. Whatever, I just want to be loved haha. 

Communication: The way of the Consultant... and ramblings

Best advice given today from me:

Jessie: “Hey I’m going back on TV!”

Johnny: “That’s awesome. Wear something slutty, otherwise you look like one of the twins off full house.”

Still awaiting a response…..

Alright, sheeple. We are going to have a real consulting topic… I say this every time and like the cookie monster, I grab the dough, backwards spoon, and pop a light. Phew… glad that’s off my chest. Now you are responsible. Because, you know if you hear someone tell you a problem, it’s your job to fix it. I wish that worked at the office. Hey Jim, I’m really bummed cause that report is going to keep me up all night I might just eat too much Chinese food and kill myself with diabetes. Then boom, Jim does the work. And you get free insulin (which I hear is like huffing cat piss). Win… motherf’n win.  See?!?! Already off topic. Communication! There I got the title out. We are talking about communication!

You may be tempted to give this boilerplate answer... but it won't work in a client meeting. But surprisingly might work in Cosmo bar at 2:30AM. 

One of the biggest hurdles we face as consultants is ourselves. For being the second coming of the Christ of communication, we are pretty bad at it. Sometimes we revert to boilerplate answers. Drugs? Rehab. That shit is expensive holmes. How about I lock you up for 3 weeks with bread and water and we sweat it out? Like a cross between Black snake moan and Wanderlust, except with me copulating with Jennifer Anniston a whole lot more. See? Creativity! And you were just going to throw your ex into rehab cause she is doing “lemonade testing” behind the liquor store for change to buy crack while you are sitting at the office, playing Facebook, working on excel, and listening to some Lana Del Rey, making bank… THAT gentlemen, is the American dream. You guys never had that happen? Yea, you are right. I have to stop dating crack heads.

Did you know that EBT cards are now plastic cards? No more stamps... and taken at some ATMS... next to strip clubs, liquor stores, and swingers conventions... F yes! Gimme that sweet government subsidies! Cause its every man's right to get a lapdance... 'Merica!

The other problem? We come across as arrogant asses. Value add, Synergies, best practices (my bedroom name), Bottleneck, Birddog (buddy’s bar name), Boil the ocean (I also use this term for when I have to pee), EOD, SME,  the list is forever long… these words make us sound like Lord Fyouverymuch from the village of Cismywytass. We have to battle this. Now as we all know I am single, and happy… fine… just single… pining over coasts and red wine, Ferris wheels, mermaids, and manatees (they are snuggly). I can only imagine the hell my future Mrs. Consultant will have to endure. “Hey babe, we have a bottleneck in this scenario, can you go to the fridge, boil the ocean, and grab papi a cerveza?” See? I sound like a dick! But I’m programmed. This isn’t my fault? I’m a machine? $hit! Christian Bale? Run!!

And... this is why I need a girlfriend, cause you can't say that on the first date... where are you Mrs. Consultant? Eww... no... not you. Pass. Pass. Pass. Alright, I have to get off Tinder. It's got nothing for me. 

We need emotional and rational buy-in from the client (and by client I mean client, boss, girlfriend, wife, grandmother (she makes the best cakes) or anyone else you want something from). This leads to an elaborate net of manipulation. But… and this is a big one, the manipulation is for the betterment of everyone. You get what you want (YAY!), your client is happy with the insightful solution with totes value add, your boss is happy, your girlfriend is ecstatic with that B&B in Napa, and your wife… well that B is never happy (unless you are at work and she is dallying the pool girl… see? Swerve!). The superiority complex we have as consultants is okay, even needed, like the anti-hero Riddick… damn you Vin, skewing women’s views of men. The narcissism is okay, but we need to veil it. No one wants to hire Machiavelli. They want to hire the sweet, pretty bambi that gets the Machiavellian job done. Also, just realized Machiavellian is a great substitute for the F word… or any word. So stay cocky consultants! And let the light shine in to your dark soul. Make money, make money, Ho! 

Most depressing Popsicle stick ever... besides the one that gives a + sign. You can't get child support if you can't catch me!!!!!!!!! 

Dropping the Mike, Dropping the knowledge

Alright, consultants. We have a ton to talk about today. First off, congrats to me! The last post got the most hits ever…ever. Also, got me in a tad bit of trouble with a wondrous unicorn, but hopefully that will all work out in the future. Or not… probably not.. to the delight of Satan. I swear that guy is around every corner handing me a shot of fireball…. Oh never mind that’s my other buddy. First another high point (I know I live on the West Coast, but not that kind of high… okay, one bite… Why am I in Mexico?)

This has been my reality for the past few weeks. SF > ATL > SF > CHICO > SF. If you don't know Chico, he knows you, and when he finds you, he will kill you. 

I was going to post this last month, but yea. Forgot. Words. Anyways, I am pretty excited about it. My life is one turn away from being picked up by the bastard son of FX and lifetime starring the guys from workaholics and whatever Lindsay Lohan after school special is still on. Here is the conversation with my coworker at any rate!! Yay for me!

Johnny Consultant:        Just googled "consulting buzz words" and guess who came up number 4?!?

Skip Bottomer:                Ha that’s amazing, and you've been doing consulting for how long? One month? No project yet?

Johnny Consultant:        that’s how you know the internet is a fickle mistress….. (one min later)…. With scurvy

So yea. I am kind of a baller. It’s cool. That internet money keeps rolling on in. Today’s topic: Alter egos. This was suggested to me by another co-worker, who is cool as hell, and orders his drinks “Gin Tonic Well.” Like James Bond or some $hit. You know you want to do it. We can make it Trend! MAKE IT TREND! Whatever the hell that means. So, alter egos. We all have one. Sometimes it’s the drunk personality, the wild one (mine is hawk, from college, don’t ask. It was an awesome, awesome phase), but today we are focusing on the ego at work. I had a previous post about letting your natural self slip out, which you will eventually, but only a little. The alter ego is huge. Clark Kent made a living off newspapers, and those don’t even exist anymore. Maybe I should wear my glasses…. Hmm… I had the hair a week ago. Nah, I will go Tony Stark. Millionaire, playboy, drinking problem. Yeap. Protege (call me Tones!). Now the official get to it part: Tons of alter egos exist. There is the guy that isn’t really put together, but works hard. He looks like work is his alcohol and the man has a serious problem. Wrinkled shirt, stained pants? Doesn’t matter because THIS REPORT IS DUE IN 4 WEEKS! Also… that guy will die young. Just saying Robbie. Sorry man. Also, your wife is cheating on you. With….. The immaculate god of the office guy! Great mood, shiny teeth, good hair. Tall dark and handsome. Also… serious coke problem. This is his weekend… morning.

Tuesday... F*ck yea.... 

How the hell do you think he is so pumped all the time? All the work gets done? He is in the office before you, after you, but you know for a fact you spotted him at that high school party cause you had to dart behind  Melissa (who is tooootally in love with Jackie by the way). This man is a machine, fueled by narcotics. Tread lightly, cause he can end you. You have to choose your alter ego wisely. The slob that is a workaholic, definitely not management material. Cokey Mc. Cokerson? Definitely management material until he has to go to rehab and is shot by Robbie for deflowering the wife in the kid's bed (jeez… that’s warped).

Whatever. Shut up Will! We all know you were cleaning house in Bel Air. And they waz yo cousins man. That's not even cold. That's just weird. You from Georgia too?

Your alter ego can’t fall to far from yourself. Don’t be the geeky kid that tries to act wild and crazy. No one likes him. We use him for rides, drinks, and then kick him in the nuts and run (my high school career by the way. Yea. The one getting nutbanged). Just embellish your best attributes and tone down the others. Now girls will get mad at me for saying pop a little cleavage or hike the skirt, but I am doing the same. This slim fit shirt?? Fits like a glove. A little tight in the crotch pants? Yea, you know whats up. I bought these in India. Just saying. Its okay. So my alter ego. I tend to be the happy go lucky guy, that can also get the job done. I am over enthusiastic (probably to a fault). You want me to do what? Oh hell yea! Filing! That’s my jam! But it works for me. So find out what works for you. I suggest being a gorgeous redhead.

 Don't look at me like that. You love it. You love me. Stop. Seriously. Smile? $hit... whatever, you are still amazingly gorgeous and babies will abound. 

Just the tip of the day:

Retire the saying “there will be a quiz on this later” to “there will be a rap battle on this later”

Whirlwind of disaster known as Hotlanta for the weekend

Holy crapballs… that was a weekend of epicness. Tears were cried, laughter was heard, love was made (somewhere… I’m assuming), I am now with child, and full of tomato juice. Also, epic failures were mastered. “well… now its just awkward for everyone if we don’t make out.” Which brings me to the topic of conversation for all my lovelies known as consultants. Love life. We call it work life balance, but that’s a joke in of itself. There is no work life balance for consultants. We are jet flying, limo riding, kiss stealing sons of bitches that got no time. Basically, due to our heavy work schedule, we have to fit romance into a weekend. Also, our projects are short. Some 6 weeks That’s weird for a career and it leaks into our love lives. 6 week relationships of pure adrenaline passion with nitrous oxide, whippets, and sheep intestines. Make it happen, make it quick, cause there is no idea when we can see each other again. It’s freaking Casablanca every Friday night.

 Obviously I am the girl in this scenario. I have a great quivering lip and we have similar hair Seriously… when did age become such a big deal? If I don’t care, why do you???? Haha okay, enough venting. Moving on. Bloody Mary. That is all.

So our work life balance is always out of whack. It will always be a problem. I might be in NYC next week, I might be in ATL now, I might wake up in SF. Letters. The end of the day is its nearly impossible to have a serious relationship (or at least start one). I am not a one night stand kind of guy (anymore). I want someone to creepily stare into my eyes, hold my hand, pet me, tell me I am pretty, and kiss me gently in front of all my friends to the point where they feel uncomfortable. Love. In your face. I fell in love no less than 4 times this weekend. I am on a sprint here people. Also… cant feel my face. We are all dying. You think I am going to sit around and not swing for the F’n fences? You crazy. But that leaves the question… how should we manage our love life? I am gone all the freaking time, you are going to resent me, hate me, then probably cheat on me, then get fired, then date that loser, then beg for me to come back. Haha… not saying that’s happened, but just saying.

Have you seen me? Its good shit. 

So… we need to have a conversation. I honest to god have no idea what I am doing, but I am ready for love. I already bought the dress…. Creeped out yet? I am. Then someone called me a whore. Actually a wannabe whore. Which might be worse. Im not a whore, I am on a mission to find my one true love and obviously that means I will have to plow through thousands of dates in record time, get weird, and then I will find the one. Actually I already found her. She laughed when I tried to kiss her. Both times. So I decided she wasn’t my true love and sat down to the next girl over. We shared a quilt. It was cute. We are love. Whatever. I’m just impressed I’m alive. Bloody marys, pitchers of mimosas, fireball shots, margaritas, boozy hot chocolate… and that was Sunday. Holy amazeballs. No wonder I can’t stop shaking. Hold me.

They call me dirty johnny. Get excited. Get pumped. No I meant grab that pump right there on the night stand. Let's get weird. 

So now its Monday. I am working. Work life balance. More Work deathly hungover I can’t balance shit and I am pretty sure the cute girl across from me said I smelled. Is it Friday yet? I am ready to fall in love all over again. But that’s the deal. I am ready for a relationship. But I don’t have time to search for the perfect woman. That takes time. I don’t have time to date. I want to jump to the part where we share a double snuggie, tandem bike, and you tell me my cooking is amazing. So this is where we are at. Any advice out there? Gimme. Make it hurt, its okay. I can take it. Also, if anyone can find my soul, please return it. I think it was either with Kittie, Ashley, Tina, or Claudia (obviously I changed the names to protect the innocent; Johnny doesn’t call people out like that). And if you are a girl that knows you are one of those… the others mean nothing. It was just a thing. You are the one for me. Kisses. So goodbye Atlanta. It was fun. You tried to kill me, but I survived. Didn’t get a gf like I wanted, but we did good work ATL.

Haven't had any meetings, but here are the best lines of the weekend:

Johnny, please don’t die

I don’t understand why everyone is not just petting me right now.

Hi, my name is Johnny. I have decided we are going to fall in love.

F it. Grab, kiss, repeat as needed.

What? You just started dating someone? That’s cool. We can kill him. That can happen. Then we can get you pregnant.

You’re awesome. I am awesome. How can this go wrong?

How old am I? Pick a number you are comfortable with.

Penis Penis pumpernickel

We aren't making out? Now its just awkward for everyone present. 

You have the most amazing hair I have ever seen. Really? Thank you... also, I love you. You can touch it.... do it.

What's the deal with...

Short blog post today... sorry... I have been getting busy, doing consulting things. like... stuff. So yea, this will be short, like your nostalgic love with an idiot boy toy from years ago that has no future, but nostalgia! It's sweet, like that crap candy with the gooey middle that taste horrible and you regret ever opening the wrapper cause now you are stuck, and you have to chew, and it makes you cry when you really just want to run away. I digress... This blog is about what we consultants do. Airplanes! No that's not similar to an Eiffel tower. Get your head out of the gutter.

Really? Mushy in the middle? God... this taste likes Charlotte. Get it out of me!! 

What’s the deal with airlines? No really. F you Seinfeld. You were complaining about the airlines before they charged for drinks, luggage, seat changes, food, tv shows ($2 really?), movies, the free grab bag by the TSA (by the way… you are the grab bag). I mean these are all the airlines too! Can someone say Cartel? Oligopoly? Big words? Pay me now please. You just got billed for that by an industry expert for 600 an hour… that’s right I am an expert. How much experience do I have? Enough to know that I will kick you in the nuts if you don’t pay me. I was in debt collections son. I roll deep. Young Money!!

My old day job. Now I just consult to the guys with guns... I mean derivatives... but do they really have to be mutually exclusive?

Yea, anyways, with the current trend (I ran a regression), I have discovered what will happen next. I’m a genius. More charges! You are sitting there thinking… there is nothing left Johnny. Wrong son! How about a charge for carry-ons? Done. Weight limits (okay to be honest, not totally against that one, but I keep it right and tight). The complimentary cokes? How about no. The lavatory will have a quarter slot of entry. Or a doorman like at the clubs… a little person. Let’s be honest, those bathrooms are tiny. But he can stand there like Oddjob (awesome bond reference) and hit the water, soap, and hand you towels. I hope they go with the latter. I also thought of the next big thing. We will have to pay them for them not do things to us. $5.00, how about you pay me not to spit in your mouth?

Okay... maybe Tatum... definitely not Jonah though. Alright, neither. I promise.

One a side note, if you don’t read my blog, then you are dead to me. Which is pretty scary to think about considering there are like 6 Billion people in the world and only a few read my blog… I’m like Omega Man. Crap none of you got that reference. I AM LEGEND WITH WILL SMITH. Geez… go watch some classic movies A-holes.

I told you to go watch Omega man! Not $hit that will get you fired! Get off your work computer dumbass! 

Less words... more gifs. I'm sure some of you are happy, but probably throbbing with disappointment. I'll get another, better one up tomorrow... when I hit the ATL!!