2014 is already trying to kill me. You couldn't wait... 4 seconds?

#1 resolution: Sneeze during an orgasm

Happy 2014 everyone! Thank god that Biatch 2013 is dead and gone. I didn’t even go to her funeral. I did however throw a full moon party on her grave the following Saturday with all my rave friends… cause that’s what we do in consulting. Raves. When we aren’t doing excel. Molly and excel. That will take you to new heights.  So new year. New adventures right? Well like 99% of America, I have new year’s resolutions. I know. I’m perfect. No need to change. Yada yada Scooby Doo. But we can always tweak perfection. Just look at Katy Perry’s plastic surgeon. Also, she looks a little like Jay Leno. Which I find hot. Maybe that needs to change… anyways, here we go! My second resolution was to take a step back, and just meditate on myself. Can you tell I moved to San Francisco? Truthfully, my recent foray into the House of Lies career and social life has taken a toll. I worry about crow’s feet, I think there is grey in my stubble, and my back hurts. That being said, what a hell of a roller coaster ride. So, I told my friends, I am taking a sabbatical. My body needs to rest. I’m going to be a good kid. Then when the countdown happen, it all went to $hit. I swore 2014 would be the year of Johnny, not Johnny finding love, Johnny working hard, Johnny doing anything. Just me.  A calm in the storm of life, but as usual, Life has other plans. So… yeap 2014, already quite the adventure. Met a nice girl, available I think, but of course, like a beacon, there are issues to overcome. Big ones. One’s I have no control over. So excited. F&ck these resolutions. Go for the gold. I’m back! Sorry… I knew you were worried. I will let you all know how this adventure down the rabbit hole goes. I would be more specific, but yea, the internet is fickle and seems to get my ass in trouble. One love people! I was gone for .001 seconds, then a new years kiss, long night, cuddling, hand holding (wear gloves people), and BOOM, back bigger than before.

This is why I shouldn't venture outside my apartment. Because this happens.... who is excited for 2014?!?

I remember being new at consulting. In this job, you have to “hotel.” You get to work, log into a machine. MACHINES! Then you slowly type a bunch of crap in until Skynet assigns you a cubicle. The problem is… most people don’t pay attention to that $hit. As a noob, you follow the rules. Then when you get to work you realize someone jacked your cubicle for the day but you are too new to say a thing. Not anymore Son! First resolution done. Kicked that girl to the curb and utilized her tears as coffee creamer.

Not my resolution. Give me a reason to be excellent to you and we will see. Until then…. Give me tribute. Also... we have eerie similar hair... I'll let you guess which one. 

Next on the list. More human interaction. I know, I probably need to stop that type of human interaction, my freezer is getting full of heads, but I meant just in daily life. Like the bus. I ride the Muni to work. The meat market bus. Yet, everyone stares at the screens on their phone. Our bus is filled with beautiful boys and girls people. Stop swiping right on tinder and Look up. I am right here! My commute is like the Buckhead Church of public transportation.  Put down your screen, take a look around. Soak it all in. Make eye contact. Now stop. That was too long and you are creeping me out. Also overall, I think I will just stop caring. It’s champagne and vicuna coats from here on out. If the girl is too old for me? I don’t care. I rallied at the end of 2013, but didn’t reach the finish line. Seriously, these women looked younger to me, and I am a dashing jake gyllenhaal type… with excessive body hair. Whatever. Shut up. Maybe instead of not caring, I should make my resolution to find what these women do to stay beautiful. Seriously, they look like they wake up and drink embalming fluid*. Thanks to Windy for that reference.

Probably not the answer to youthfulness... Also, looks like my NYE kiss. Yeap. Winner, winner chicken dinner. More than you know. Always had a crush on this actress too, so double win. Triple win. Double down KFC style heart attack. Thug life. See you punks in 2014! Get excited, or scared.