An Option Trader's guide to love

Happy Fish Fry Friday everyone! MTFU or whatever you got to do to lube those wheels of inhibitions to get weird, wake up next to someone you don’t know, and live life! So, for the past few… lives… I have been Dionysius, so trying to take it easy. I feel like this is a good time though to help out my friends with the years of knowledge I have gained attempting to turn myself into a successful business and sociopath. So today’s short topic! Guide to the opposite sex for an options trader: Protective Put.

Listen to me. I am an OG. For realz. Bitches be like options ya hear. Puts, Calls, Strangles, Iron Reverse Condor. Bullish Long Spread, LEAPS. All options, all sex moves, all the time. Plus when have I ever led you people wrong?

First, an option is a bet (think roulette) on the price movement of a stock. When the ball stops on red 32, well that is the time limit on an option, 32 is the price the stock had to reach for you to make money (if a call), etc. Now there is a thing called a protective put, and this little beauty can be utilized in real life as well as your dungeons and dragons stock trading games (NERDS). This strategy is used to guard against the loss of unrealized gains (half of you just said WTF, stop, just stop, tell us about your love life… consulting, but stop). Anywho, let’s say you have a handle of fireball, the bar is about to be empty of fireball, so you can sell it to that schmuck on the row team for double the price. You heard through your buddy Dave that the some friend of a friend is on the way with tons more $hit, which would render your fireball worth… fireball. But there are DUI checkpoints, so he might get F’d, in that case, the bar runs out, and you can make it rain fireball, dance with the gogo dancer, kiss that cute, emo-looking angry chick, and be the master of the night, you know, the Nosferatu of fireball. But that Ahole is smart, and sometimes gets through DUI checkpoints, so you agree to sell it to Andy in an hour for a good price (still profit), and that’s a maybe. You even give him a shot as down payment. Fireball shows up! You sell to Andy, Andy is slightly f’d. Fireball doesn’t show up, You make it rain like Usher at a teen’s birthday party. Twerk.

Andy will probably say this to you, but its his own damn fault. F him. You made your money off that fireball in an honest and godly way. He can go back to his $hit life, with his $hit toaster over, his $hit friends... you never liked him anyways. Why is he even here? God... If we could just have one day a year where you could Machete people in the face... life would be complete. 

Now the reason for the explanation is that this can be used for meeting that “special someone.” You don’t want to go home alone, but you don’t want to go home with a troll. Below is the chart that will save your life, check it out. Love it, details are below.

Try to follow me... Pink is the girl you are going home with. Time&money is X-axis, Hotometer is Y-axis. There, you came thank me later for your troll free life. No more beer belly frat boys for you ladies and no more "I might be preggo, thats why I love eggo" ladies for the boys. 

Pink line is the potential mate for the evening, or true love, or whatever. Alright the pink line is not really negative where it flattens out, but a “normally acceptable” situation. You know, you have hooked up with her a few times, she’s nice, but it’s probably not going anywhere (or if you are a girl, same thing, but he is a commitmentphobe… I mean, you haven’t even met his kids yet).  The nice thing about the flat line though is that there is minimum effort. This is the drunk booty text, the “lets hang out and get Chinese food in our jammies cause we have nothing to prove to our self-loathing selves.”  You move up the line, dreamy mcsteamy / Christian bale but not violent / Depp but not Tonto / Kristen Bell / Elize Coupe / Betty White, the more time, money, and effort you have to put in. Don’t lie, we have all been there. You want the gold? Start swimming, you aren’t Phelps, he is built like the jolly green giant, so you have to bring other attributes to the table. Like thigh high stockings. Old school style, Corsets, for guys: Suspenders, hipster hat, champagne. Also let me point out Attractiveness is not just physical. We are talking about your perfect soulmate (okay not really, but I don’t want judgment). So there you have it. I basically told you to keep a backup, and then make it rain in the club. You just read over 800 words of jibberish. But we spent some quality time together. Aren’t you happy? Also, watch out for the time decay of options. That $hit can kill any moment. 

Alright He-man, you have the power. What you gonna do? Ready for the weekend? Ready to ride? Rough ride or die like its the 90's!