Quick Service Restaurants: The impact of a $15 minimum wage

And then we F*ck them... the tale of Nonprofits and feel good Corporations.. and hashtags

Alright. I’m gonna let you guys in on a secret. Most “good” people are dicks. I know. Cry Foul. “Johnny Counsultant, how you wanna play me like that?” As long as you are making the world a better place, who cares if you get a little slice… said every Financial Advisor ever… and Ponzi scheme dude… and cops taking a little “bang bang” for themselves after a bust. Hey, the kids are at their grandparents and me and the wifey haven’t gotten freaky since ’99… now hand me that blow. Don’t believe me? Just look at the slide below. Don’t worry, it’s the truth, slides don’t lie. Ask Bain.

 But don't you want to help the world? Don't be a bad person.. Gimme your money. It's going to rehabilitate the moon. 

Catch all that? Probably not. Don’t worry. Ill hit you with that smooth consultant speak. Actually I won’t. Most charities are taking your money and f*cking you blind with it. Smooth enough? They use some lube, so just sit back, relax, and pretend I’m pretty.

 Nonprofits.. it's the new Enron... or Wall Street, or whatever it is you people are always bitching about on your Facebook about changing the world while you wait in line at Dunkin Donuts getting fat off empty calories and shame! AND SHAME

So Tom gives a pair of shoes to charity if you buy a pair sweet. Now you get a pair of shit quality shoes, that dude is rich, and some kind in Africa now has shoes… that never wore shoes before, or needed them… or needed other things… like clean water… or the internet… or angry birds. The United Way dude made over a million. Goodwill… not even a charity, it’s a Corporation, for profit. Did I just blow your mind? You are lucky it wasn’t something else… since I Have no idea how to do that, and no desire to learn. So above… I gave you my creation. Diversification for the institutional investor. It’s simple. I get a ton of money from people that need diversification (a different mix of stuff to lower risk morons), and I refinance Bschool kids debt. Good bschools. Like my buddy breezy that has like 60k in debt but graduated with me, he is a consultant too, breezy the consultant. Look it up fact. So 2% instead of 6-9%... yea its awesome sauce. Now non-profit… so we can’t have profit. Cool. I will gift that shit to kids for scholarships… like art degrees, or strippers. Now… I’m running this shiz. I’m expensive. I need at least 250k as a starter salary, and more if this thing goes regional. So we are making the world a better place by lowering loan rates and saving the US economy from the next bubble, investors get diversification through this alternative investment, kids get scholarships, strippers get golden hearts, and I get 250k a year to run it. Also, I need wheels to get to meetings. I assume this is a Maserati. And corporate apartments and retreats. Welcome to Non-profits. We sells you, take your money.. .and then as my good buddies from Jersey say, well… then we f*ck’em. Enjoy. Slides in rather nice. 

I bet it does... I bet it does. So.. who wants to go donate money to charity by buying some Toms, United Way feel good stuff, or some of those mutli colored bracelets highschoolers use to show how many sexual maneuvers they have mastered? oh sorry... that they have tried. 

Minnesota: North of the Wall

Well known fact: I am in Minnesota. I am not a native. I grew up in the Southeastern United States. Land of milk and honey. At people talking in tongues then transferring to tube tops to watch cars crash. ie. A pretty awesome place. Well known fact 2: Love me game of thrones. I am a human. Hi.

Unknown fact: Minnesota is actually based on the north wall in the Game of Thrones mythos. Winter is coming. I think Minnesota should embrace this fact. Here is my contribution. One love.

I looked it up. You dont have a funky saying yet. Get one. Would you rather be a lover like virginia? Or a free folk pounding maniac like Jon Snow? That's what i thought. 

 The only hospitable place North of the Wall to stay the night. Obviously, Starwood needs to jump on this. 

 Obviously, I think I am really f*cking clever for coming up with that line. Me and 10,000 other 12 year old prepubescent boys. 

 This is what happens when you leave the city proper. 

What happens if you leave your house in winter. 

Homie Rich Quan aka Mr. CEO (It's what his title say) lays down consulting advice!

Today’s topic is why homie rich quan could be the greatest consultant of all time. First you have to watch his amazing video: Some type of way. Don’t worry, I am a consultant,  I will still ramble after the fact…

 Also used in Suburgatory. Great Show. Miss you Jane Levy. 

As with any project you have to build bridges to the chorus. Bridges are hugely important in the world of networking. Without a bridge you can’t make the connection, which means you miss your flight, which means your honey in your city is going to go all crazy on yo ass. Or your partner. Whatever. Stop pissing people off.

No idea who this chick is, but I hate her. Agree to disagree M'am! 

Anyways, Rich (we are on shortened named basis although he can still call me Johnny), nails it. Below is the bridge.

My Niggas been hustlin' trying to make him something

Ain't no telling what he'll do for the paper

Soufflé, I'm straight, I scrape my plate,

Sade, I'm a smooth operator.

-quoted so you can’t call me racist

Nailed it. First, he calls out all his buddies that work hard. Networking again. The man is a genius. He knows the objective, paper. Now with digital currency and all this might be outdated, but how would you rhyme bit coin? Forlorn? Now he knows his strengths, which is key. He is the king of baking dishes, a Souffle… I might have gone with ribs, but I am not as eloquent as our resident beat poet.  He knows the value he brings to the client, supply chain management, or in this case… smooth operator. Thank you Rich, for this value add.

Actually if that is batter from a souffle, I choose that. Can an option be anything licked by Jessica Alba????

  

Now the chorus. The rhetoric we tell all our clientele, we sell ourselves, we sell them, we sell snails and puppy dog tails.

(I Drop The Top Of My Whip Baby!)

That car I'm driving make you feel some type of way

That Custom Breitling make you feel some type of way

This bitch I'm with got me feeln' some type a way

Is it because my homies rich you feel some type of way?

Some type of way, make you feel some type of way

Heard she wanna fuck me, know you feel some type of way

Mr. CEO is what my title say

Me and my homies did your Ho, he feel some type of way.

-note the correct spelling of the word ho

The verses are almost inconsequential, just like our actual means. The beginning and end (deck) matter. Period.  Obviously like the Quan, we want to make our clients feel good. So we give them what they want (bonus is you get that Running Man reference). We make our clients feel “some type of way” and we do this through powerpoint vs. the Bugatti with the implanted stripper jumping up and down on the car (Seriously, get the f*ck of the car!). Watches, cars, homies, make the women want to sleep with quan (cause his dope lyrics don’t cut it), and our decks, presentation, workshops, work papers make C-Suite feel some sort of way). Mr. CEO is what my title say. Hell yes Homie, Hell yes.

Until then... smokem if you got them. Got a OG coming in SF for the WKND, so we will hit yo ladies up later! 

Get excited, next week is a regression of the style of dances exotic dancers should utilize in their 3 song repository (not repertoire hahaha) to illicit the most cash.

Consulting: The mother of all jobs

Alright... maybe we will have to do a post once every two weeks since I am a huge loser that doesn't have time. Hey! Pretty blondes and grocery shopping in Delores Park takes time. And you think this hair fixes itself? Geez... You don't have to be a dick about it. Anyways, this post was circulating about the world's hardest job. The issue is that it described mothers. The rub was that you work for free... which you don't. Those kids will one day take care of you, you are fulfilled, and if you are a stay at home mom... you get paid (ie monetary support/stuff) through either a man (or woman on the West Coast) or the government (shame on you! FOR SHAME!). Anyways, I read the description... and its a consultant. There are 27 issues, but let's be honest, you are already about to stop reading, so I am doing 5, or 6, whatever. Penguinds. Let's get this party rocking.... 

Must be able to work 135+ hours a week

-Welcome the the jungle… or another classic song choice. Boom, Boom, Boom, come back to my room? No? Not feeling that? Not even a tingle? Really? Alright whatever. Point is that we sometimes have to work long, arduous hours for great pay that we bitch about. Sound interested? Better put down the bike tire spoke and go back 10 years and start learning. Granted we probably aren’t working investment banker hours, but we are up there. This much is true. I hear enough people complaining about it. It has to be true. Just cause I’m not doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t. The same could be said for your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend. I would put mistress or boy toy, but I am assuming you are hitting that.

Some people work hard and play hard.. I say why not combine?!? Of course the ATL and DC office stares at me when I am in town with my vest, hemp bracelet, hipstar (damn right hipstar) framed glasses, and miley cyrus haircut... Not even a blink in SF. Gotta love the west coast. Fur Sure. 

Ability to work overnight, associate needs pending

-I have worked overnight here and there. Not constantly, but it happens. It’s not that bad. Means I get to sleep in the next day to the woman I love…. Also known as my body pillow… her name is Lucy. As a single person (read no children), this is fine. I can make my sleep up. This is the same as college minus the alcohol, sex, heavy narcotics, death metal, and guy dressed as a Panda jerking off in the corner.

Willingness to forgo any breaks

-I feel like this is any job? Do you have a job where you can say “Not right now Joe. Its my ciggy / coffee / wanking break right now. You do? GO and F yourself. Honestly though, if you have a job where you clock in and out and measure your breaks… I don’t want you job. Im not judging, but yea… kinda am. Not for me.  

Work mostly standing up and/or bending down

I will work in whatever position you tell me. We have ergomatic chairs and $hit, treadmill desk stations, crap conference rooms, planes, trains, cars (that’s dangerous)… we are the Kamasutra of working conditions B!tch. Recognize the greatness… and buy me a massage. No not that one… one from the creepy place. Mmmm…

Creepy Cat massages are the best. I'm just as furry.. and I can pur if you would like. Please? 

Must be able to lift up to 75 lbs. on a regular basis

I don’t know if it is required… but I can. I pick up my girlfriend and she weighs more than that. I’m pretty sure if I keep complaining I am going to give her a complex. But complexes are good. Ask Ruby Ridge.

Ph.D. in psychology or real-life equivalent

This is our entire job. Pyscho-analysis of the “stakeholders” and the “kingmakers”, the “champions”, the “oppressors of change”, the “touch points”… we are hired to get in there, get dirty, figure out what people want, give it to them, and if they don’t like it, convince them that they like it. Screw it, if we were drinking Chianti and eating people, we would be the Hannibal lecters of the business world. That’s why most the world hates us, or is scared of us, or wants to love us… pretty sure the last ones have daddy issues though.  

And if you don't listen to my psyschobabble bullshit... well, I have other measures. or if you live in Charlotte, I won't even try the talking. Just the burying 

1/9 a way to a kid... thats how long I have been gone. What? No I didn't have a f*cking kid. Good god man!

Wow… It has been over a month. Sorry internet. I still heart you, but I feel like we are pulling away from each other, or out, and the fun is just over. I’m sleepy. Bananas.  A month. That is like 1/9 the time to have a child, which by the way, seems that everyone underneath the sun is doing. This hasn’t been my fault. If you were more loving, attentive, and caring, I wouldn’t have strayed, but look at you now. Sobbing in the corner because daddy didn’t give you any bacon. Well, I learned my lessons and after trysts in San Francisco, Phoenix, Minneapolis, and DC I have come home to roost. And by trysts, I mean work. Work hard play hard people!

The above is sponsered by Buddha's Lounge in ChinaTown... cause I assume they will give me free beer for posting it... cause Chinese people stick together... like dashi on steamed rice. See what I did there? No? Piss off. Also, this is how I get amped up before I go out every night. Also, how I enter meetings with clients. Where's my signed SOW???

But don’t worry. The world has been punishing me. And I know you like to watch me get whipped Christian grey style. My current office is in Minnesota. That’s right. The place you haven’t heard of. Not only that, but its 70 out and the lakes are still frozen. Physics doesn’t apply here. Its Twilight zone here MotherF&ckers and no one is getting out alive! Speaking of… Just got told there was a derailment that hit this office building in 2005.... I am 15 feet from the train tracks. I tried to break up with Minnesota, but man, she just keeps me coming back. Must be the salary… cause its not the body. They grow them big here.

My love life in a nutshell with Minnesota.... I throw here around, giver what she wants, but man... unfulfillment (not a word) abounds. Also... not this sexy. What don't you get about "Growing them big???"  That's why I am looking nationwide for a woman. Interested? You were but now you aren't? You realize this blog is a joke right? No? Gah... stop sucking. Just be... I dont know... more like me. Can I marry me? mmmmmmm Johnny...  

Also, I have been called the worst hippie ever by multiple people in the past few weeks. Let me be clear, I don’t know if I am a hippie. Hippies say I am a yuppie. Yuppies say I am a hippie, Hipsters just get mad I dress better than them and throw $hit at me. It’s a crapshoot. The only place I fit in is as a cult leader somewhere fathering several thousand children into a new age of enlightenment laced with PCP, LSD, PNV, and other Acronyms that are either sexually explicit or drug terminology. Take my hand. Don’t be afraid. Seriously if you don’t I’m going to have to get the cuffs.

Don't be afraid to jump with me into the fun filled pool of dreams and delusions! Its filled with balloons... and foam... and laffy taffy. Hell yea, laffy taffy. God that stuff was awesome. What? No? Please refer above... Shhh... Go to sleep. Ill just stay here... and watch. 

But I think we should recommit our vows. I vow to love you, engage you, listen to your stupid $hit, and write a blog post at least once every two weeks, with the goal of once a week. What are you going to do for me??? You vow what? ATM. Deal. No taksey backsies. And I promise about 5% will be about actual consulting. Since I am traveling with points now, hit cities like lines of blow in a sorority house before the frat gangbang, and talking to some high level f*ckers that control your very existence. Scared? You probably f*cking should be. I’m in charge…. We should all be frightened…. To be continued!

To those that still refuse to believe I am a boy... first off what the hell am I? A sprite? A ken doll? A woman with an extremely long... you know what? Doesn't matter. Proof will set you free!!! 

My first top ten list for consulting in the office! I swear it is still humorous

So apparently top ten lists are where its at. That gets you hits on the blog. I don’t do it for the money, or the love, I do this for me, but dammit… here it goes! My first top ten list. The top ten things I do that are basically gospel and you should do to in any consulting office (big four, big 3, big dong or otherwise). Also, this top ten is in no order… go figure right?

Honorable mention:  Office Music

These bitches really want chocolate... you better give it to them. Also, good way to get pumped for Friday happy hour. Also, my current clients are Japanese. I'm just trying to relate. 

1.     Sometimes when I am standing next to someone at the urinal. I shake it three times, just to fuck with them. You should do this too (girls don’t think you are exempt, do the same in the stall).

2.     Normal people suck. Be unique, but you, and if you are normal, then change. Surround yourself with eclectic, loving, and strange as $hit people. Even in the office… and definitely your private life.

3.     The coke machine stole my coke… twice. Diet Pepsi? Serious? F%ck off.

4.     I think one Friday a month instead of casual jeans day it should be casual shirt day. Wife beaters for boys and tube tops for the classy ladies… with slacks and pencils skirts. Holla if you hear me.

What casual Friday should be. I mean this is the true meaning right? Now its relegated to jeans, but make sure there are no holes. It's like taking the message of peace and love and turning it into Manson Helterskelter crap. 

5.       My office has a mother’s room, which I assume is for scolding children, drinking wine, popping pills in the morning (poppin molli, mama sweatin), and book clubs. Today it was occupied! Repeat... the mother's room is occupied! First time ever. I think this further supports my argument for a screaming room instead... I hear tons more of that.

6.       I like calling bitches lovely… hey lovely. Feel free to use at the office.

7.       At happy hours, don’t be the drunkest, and definitely don’t be the most sober. Obviously you should hang out next to the 22 year old that is getting schwasted. Think of it as Harry’s invisible cloak while he is in the closet spying on Hermine… wait...what?

Don't mind me... just going to go hang out in the Mother's Room... like a creeper... dear lord Harry, I'm pretty sure that is a felony. Room for two?

8.       High potential, Type A doesn’t f&cking exist. Stop saying it. It’s a term utilized by consultants and other awesome employers to make you feel good about yourself that you are an introverted POS that has to run down cue cards to make a normal conversation. So just stop. Get in the mother’s room right now!!

How interviews should go. Instead: Quant, math, Quant, Cycling, Quant, disappointing love making. I swear if he had a bunch of ill motherf'ers we would make more money, be more efficient, and have a way better time. WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!?

9.       Don’t wear $hitty clothes. Keep your hipster haircut, or your marina/buckhead crew cut… just don’t walk into a meeting with bad clothing (wrinkled or bad quality). I will listen to you no matter your haircut, but if the homeless guy has less wrinkles in his clothes than you, I hate you.

10.   Octo: 8 is the magic number for any self respecting orgy (office or otherwise). Just look at this freak below who is ready to go. 

What a weirdo!!! But in a strange, enticing, sexually arousing sort of way... must be the pants. He is definitely looking for 7 more.