Xmas suffers blunt force trauma from NYE: Still on loose.

As promised. 2 posts in one week? Christmas come early? Christmas in your mouth (a shot of fireball and whynatte… delicious and sanitary). I’m back with New Year’s revolutions… errr. Resolutions. Nope. First one. I am taking over! Anyone else want to negotiate? If you are a beautiful woman and you got that reference, I love you and think we should probably investigate the world together over a period of… say… the rest of our lives.

Funny... this is how my first dates usually end when I am asking about the second date... I have no idea why I am single. Is it the bleach blonde hair? I probably was better as a brunette... yeap.  that has to be it. 

New Years resolution: Write more about consulting. Is this a dating blog? A consulting blog? Pure comedy? A tradegy that is my life? I don’t know, but I do know my business school professors aren’t reading this $hit, so I need to write more about consulting. And buzzwords. Maybe a combo of consulting and the women of consulting… we can have a calendar. Give it to our clients. Value add and bird dog that boys, we have a winner! Okay that is the first one, the rest are personal, and not. Whatever. Stream of consciousness. An occurrence at Owl creek bridge.

Hey. Let's be honest with each other. I am not going to change. Just like you aren't going to admit the worst mistake of your life was not attempting to impregnate me. Its okay. Stop crying. We have all been there. Also, when you get a chance, can I have some more ketchup? Thanks! What? I can't have children? WHY WOULD YOU SAY I'M BARREN?!?! Oh... lack of womb. Gotcha. 

Next Revolution! Learn from me, do as I say… not as I do. I am attempting to no longer date women in the service industry, and no not “that” servicing industry… sickos. I am not going to date women in the restaurant industry. The majority (read… 99.9% I have met) are either self-sabotaging, dumb, addicts, or possess severe mental issues… or a combo of all (my fave). Sure they are hot, but there are more perils than an Indiana Jones movie. They will resent you for what you are, brilliant, or not recognize because their eyes are covered in gunk from the grease. Whatever the case, there will not be acceptance. They will either hate you for your career, or resent you for it. Luke… you know this to be true. Anytime you make a suggestion, you will “be coming down on them.” It’s like calling a girl crazy for a guy. Immediate awesome defensive technique. If you really thought they were crazy, you sure as hell wouldn’t tell them. And if you did, it would be in a padded room with a fat doctor Phil look alike with a sedative two feet away ready to be plunged into that Bitches neck.

Alright guys. We can do better. Better defense mechanisms than "you're crazy." I think the female population is catching on. Then we will have to make it an endgame scenario where you do have to plunge a needle in their neck, make a kill room, kill them, dispose of body, and fool everyone around you that you aren't a psychopath. Doesn't that seem like too much work? Just say something else. Like "You just never listened to the teachings of General Mao! You will never understand!" See? Boom. You are out of whatever trouble you got yourself into. Cause... now they think you are communist.*

*Not guaranteed to work on the Chinese  

Back to restaurants… I can hear the thunderous roar from the women in the industry now. You elitist A-hole, yuppie, hating, baby eating, but incredibly irresistible… then they trail off cause they saw something shiny. Don’t hate. I worked at BK for like 8 years. I am speaking from experience and am almost at a statistically significant sample size at this point (not sex mind you. Don’t want all you people out there thinking I am some dirty Casanova or something. I’m talking dates, dating, holding hands. Wear a glove). Every time I have dated someone in the industry, it has gone wrong (personal). My buddy, Windy only dates doctors, lawyers, and those people. “You people” seems like a good idea. Not being snobby, I am being realistic. At this point you speak a different language. They speak whatever hell their language is, and we speak consultant. It’s the same as trying to date a girl from Prague that doesn’t know a lick of English. Basically a mail order bride concept. Not saying you are better, just saying the distance is too far to cross. The chasm too great for an honest, wonderful relationship where people see us as the relationship personification of Bambi. So recently (yesterday. let’s be honest), I decided not to date in that industry anymore. That basically leaves me finance (ew), consulting (don’t tip the company pen / I hope I have a job in 2 months / maybe the best option / please don’t tell HR), retail (envisioning same problems), tech (are there girls in tech?), or mining… so if you know a coal miner’s daughter that can swing a sweet axe. Send her my way.

See. Not a coal miner nor a restaurant worker. However, she only shows up every 5,000 years. Damn. I got free time in like 30? No? Well, too be honest all I wanted to do  is watch you vacuum out your car… in yoga pants. (thanks Crowbar for the line of the day) #MTFU

My suggestion for a new year’s resolution for you. Stop Sexting and Dick pics. As men we love pictures sent to us. This is life. The female form is beautiful. Look at all the famous art. Men, not beautiful. When the paragon of beautification was invented eons ago, it was a woman that was the result. That is why the words beautiful and pretty, feminine words, roll off the tongue like a sexy fondue date next to a fire pit on the skin of a wolf carcass, while handsome, masculine sounding word, sounds like a bag full of baby walruses getting slammed by a German with a sledgehammer while screaming the lyrics to Evita  = not pretty.  Science. Fact.  So, don’t do it. Anyways, if you are a guy, you normally don’t want to send one of yourself (under the assumption you will be super successful like Representative Weiner one day), so you do your best to fool them. So it needs to be close. But then you are that guy on the computer looking at penis pics all day. Probably at the office. And tasha noticed you. $hit, she has a big mouth. It’s not what it looks like, but she is going to go ahead and tell the whole office your obsession with d1cks. Dammit. This is why you don’t sext, and definitely not as an adult.

Same for sexting. Best be ready to show the world. Just think about how much fun public sex is... is that a reason to sext? Hell no. That means go outdoors and get freaky. Too cold? Is there a hot tub? can we zip our snow jackets together to form some sex caterpillar stance while rolling around on the ground? Winter is coming... which they all freak out about but from watching the show it just means sex in caves with hot springs. Hell yea winter, hurry up brother. 

Finally:

And if you are a guy, don’t work out more. I already have enough competition with naturally fit people and these Googlites running around making it ran as they pop bubbles on their pocket protectors. So just don’t. Girls? Go for it, but to be honest. It’s all in the diet.

I just needed a reason to post this. It makes me giggle. Also, very reminiscent of my running style in Crissy Field.

Consultant Christmas Party Shenanigans and NYE resolutions

Ten days from the last post? I am sorry to deprive you people! I am sure you were wallowing in a gutter constantly checking your iphones. Maybe the signal is lost? Maybe Johnny died? Maybe the Iran's Revolutionary Guards got him? Nope. Just been busy, actually not at all. Just tired, recouping, in a bio-medical bath like Luke. So. Here. We. GO! 

Happy religious holidays everyone! Tis the motherf’n season! Whether you are Jewish, Christian, or something I don’t really know (read don’t care) about, this is the time of year for celebrations. And what are celebrations without bubbles? A recent friend of mine is amazed at my love for champagne, and that it warms her heart and makes her smile when she thinks about how much my infatuation for the bubbly continues. Same as my crush on Kristen Bell. It will never end. You can’t have a bad day on champagne. Wake up? Mimosa. Good to go. Bad day, champagne toast that you are the greatest human being ever. Even if it just you, alone, with the bottle, in front of the mirror, with no clothes on. Whatever. Don’t judge me.

Some people compare me to Hank. Great looking, creative, irreverent, and in complete and utter denial. Just saying... he might have Karen, but he also has a kid and a drug problem. I have no kid (please, god, no) and no drugs in my system (today), anyways I prefer the champagne. I might not have Karen, but I'm calling this one. Johnny: 1 Hank: 0! Halftime! 

Let’s be honest about what I am. An eccentric, borderline crazy idiot savant, that goes on random tangents that are funny, creative to the financial world that dances on legality, that knows tons of weird stuff…. How I am not a billionaire, I don’t know. I'm like Mark Cuban… without the money or boyish good looks. God he is so hot right now. Just beat up the SEC. Any…who… as consultants (see that DEEP transition right there?), we have to play the cards right on a semi-consistent basis. We want to play the game like Omar, take as much as we can, and try not to get shot by a nine year old, or in our cases, someone with the IQ of a nine year old (haven’t seen the Wire? Then F you. You don’t deserve to watch it without spoilers… seriously; it’s a really old show at this point). Back to the holidays, back to consulting, apple butter… words. My company Christmas party was Saturday. I would say epic, but merely that was what we made it. A beer, wine only bar a party doesn’t make. But they had champagne, so I give them a pass.

How a real party should be. I call dibs. She's so misunderstood. No one likes her cause of her caustic attitude. Yeap, definitely no one would ever hit on her in school... I love romcoms. And health ledger. And consulting. 

Well, this guy Johnny Consultant. Didn’t have a date. I know right? Hard to imagine with my feminine good looks and pudgy body (wait… rugged good looks and ripped body! Dammit!). At the last moment I convinced a co-worker from a different office to join the posse since we haven’t seen her in forever. Besides that my evil intentions were to see if there was any underlying googley eyes possible. She is wonderful, absolutely gorgeous, intelligent, and… completely unavailable. Boom! At this point I think I might actually be on the Truman Show. Can we get to the season where I find someone dammit?! I want that saved by the bell wedding in Vegas! Except not in vegas. Maybe in a church in the mountains overlooking Eastern Europe. Whatever.  A girl can dream right? Possibly at this point I need to clarify to people that don’t actually know me that I am male. With male parts. And a desire to be with a female. Good? Alright. Moving on people.

Pretty much sums it up. Don't worry, the night is darkest before the dawn. Actually, I'm pretty sure that is scientifically incorrect. F&CK YOU SCIENCE. Also, I cry at night listening to Jack Johnson and eating Rocky Road ice cream. I don't even like ice cream. I just heard it was catnip for ladies. 

Anyways, I didn't epically crash and burn (epically is not a real word. Like my life). She was super sweet and let me down like a gentle baby in the manager (tits the season after all... haha! child humor!). Which… obviously made me like her more. Crap! Back to the point. I have come up with some New Years resolutions for myself (not real ones as I intend to break everyone, and possibly a bone or two). First one. Stop caring. Oh you thought I didn't already? You ain't seen $hit yet. Two: Stay Sober one day on the weekend. Not a problem. I am just tired. Instead of spitting game, I literally have been spitting as I try to talk to women. A good first impression this does not make. I have others, you will see them in the next blog post. This is just the start. It’s a revolution. Buffalo soldier. Stuff. Penguins and Ostriches.  Also, if a girl isn't available. Maybe… just maybe… you should look elsewhere? And… there is the first break. Talk to ya’ll soon! 

Thanks for letting me vent people. And by vent, I mean wearing a vented tuxedo ready to MTFU and take over the world one perfectly planned devious plot at a time. Also.. Another reason to cut back, the massive amount of ribs I have been eating. Why doesn't Drunk Johnny love celery, juicing, and ab workouts?!?! WHY?!?!