Wow… It has been over a month. Sorry internet. I still heart
you, but I feel like we are pulling away from each other, or out, and the fun
is just over. I’m sleepy. Bananas. A
month. That is like 1/9 the time to have a child, which by the way, seems that
everyone underneath the sun is doing. This hasn’t been my fault. If you were
more loving, attentive, and caring, I wouldn’t have strayed, but look at you
now. Sobbing in the corner because daddy didn’t give you any bacon. Well, I
learned my lessons and after trysts in San Francisco, Phoenix, Minneapolis, and
DC I have come home to roost. And by trysts, I mean work. Work hard play hard
people!
The above is sponsered by Buddha's Lounge in ChinaTown... cause I assume they will give me free beer for posting it... cause Chinese people stick together... like dashi on steamed rice. See what I did there? No? Piss off. Also, this is how I get amped up before I go out every night. Also, how I enter meetings with clients. Where's my signed SOW???
But don’t worry. The world has been punishing me. And I know
you like to watch me get whipped Christian grey style. My current office is in
Minnesota. That’s right. The place you haven’t heard of. Not only that, but its
70 out and the lakes are still frozen. Physics doesn’t apply here. Its Twilight
zone here MotherF&ckers and no one is getting out alive! Speaking of… Just got told there was a derailment that hit
this office building in 2005.... I am 15 feet from the train tracks. I tried to
break up with Minnesota, but man, she just keeps me coming back. Must be the
salary… cause its not the body. They grow them big here.
My love life in a nutshell with Minnesota.... I throw here around, giver what she wants, but man... unfulfillment (not a word) abounds. Also... not this sexy. What don't you get about "Growing them big???" That's why I am looking nationwide for a woman. Interested? You were but now you aren't? You realize this blog is a joke right? No? Gah... stop sucking. Just be... I dont know... more like me. Can I marry me? mmmmmmm Johnny...
Also, I have been called the worst hippie ever by multiple
people in the past few weeks. Let me be clear, I don’t know if I am a hippie.
Hippies say I am a yuppie. Yuppies say I am a hippie, Hipsters just get mad I
dress better than them and throw $hit at me. It’s a crapshoot. The only place I
fit in is as a cult leader somewhere fathering several thousand children into a
new age of enlightenment laced with PCP, LSD, PNV, and other Acronyms that are
either sexually explicit or drug terminology. Take my hand. Don’t be afraid.
Seriously if you don’t I’m going to have to get the cuffs.
Don't be afraid to jump with me into the fun filled pool of dreams and delusions! Its filled with balloons... and foam... and laffy taffy. Hell yea, laffy taffy. God that stuff was awesome. What? No? Please refer above... Shhh... Go to sleep. Ill just stay here... and watch.
But I think we should recommit our vows. I vow to love you,
engage you, listen to your stupid $hit, and write a blog post at least once
every two weeks, with the goal of once a week. What are you going to do for
me??? You vow what? ATM. Deal. No taksey backsies. And I promise about 5% will
be about actual consulting. Since I am traveling with points now, hit cities
like lines of blow in a sorority house before the frat gangbang, and talking to
some high level f*ckers that control your very existence. Scared? You probably f*cking
should be. I’m in charge…. We should all be frightened…. To be continued!
To those that still refuse to believe I am a boy... first off what the hell am I? A sprite? A ken doll? A woman with an extremely long... you know what? Doesn't matter. Proof will set you free!!!
