So apparently top ten
lists are where its at. That gets you hits on the blog. I don’t do it for the
money, or the love, I do this for me, but dammit… here it goes! My first top
ten list. The top ten things I do that are basically gospel and you should do
to in any consulting office (big four, big 3, big dong or otherwise). Also,
this top ten is in no order… go figure right?
Honorable mention: Office Music
These bitches really want chocolate... you better give it to them. Also, good way to get pumped for Friday happy hour. Also, my current clients are Japanese. I'm just trying to relate.
1. Sometimes when I am standing next to someone at
the urinal. I shake it three times, just to fuck with them. You should do this
too (girls don’t think you are exempt, do the same in the stall).
2. Normal people suck. Be unique, but you, and if
you are normal, then change. Surround yourself with eclectic, loving, and
strange as $hit people. Even in the office… and definitely your private life.
3. The coke machine stole my coke… twice. Diet Pepsi?
Serious? F%ck off.
4. I
think one Friday a month instead of casual jeans day it should be casual shirt
day. Wife beaters for boys and tube tops for the classy ladies… with slacks and
pencils skirts. Holla if you hear me.
What casual Friday should be. I mean this is the true meaning right? Now its relegated to jeans, but make sure there are no holes. It's like taking the message of peace and love and turning it into Manson Helterskelter crap.
5.
My office has a mother’s room, which I assume is
for scolding children, drinking wine, popping pills in the morning (poppin molli, mama sweatin), and book clubs. Today it was occupied!
Repeat... the mother's room is occupied! First time ever. I think this further
supports my argument for a screaming room instead... I hear tons more of that.
6.
I like calling bitches lovely… hey lovely. Feel
free to use at the office.
7.
At happy hours, don’t be the drunkest, and
definitely don’t be the most sober. Obviously you should hang out next to the
22 year old that is getting schwasted. Think of it as Harry’s invisible cloak
while he is in the closet spying on Hermine… wait...what?
Don't mind me... just going to go hang out in the Mother's Room... like a creeper... dear lord Harry, I'm pretty sure that is a felony. Room for two?
8.
High potential, Type A doesn’t f&cking
exist. Stop saying it. It’s a term utilized by consultants and other awesome
employers to make you feel good about yourself that you are an introverted POS
that has to run down cue cards to make a normal conversation. So just stop. Get
in the mother’s room right now!!
How interviews should go. Instead: Quant, math, Quant, Cycling, Quant, disappointing love making. I swear if he had a bunch of ill motherf'ers we would make more money, be more efficient, and have a way better time. WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!?
9.
Don’t wear $hitty clothes. Keep your hipster
haircut, or your marina/buckhead crew cut… just don’t walk into a meeting with
bad clothing (wrinkled or bad quality). I will listen to you no matter your
haircut, but if the homeless guy has less wrinkles in his clothes than you, I
hate you.
10.
Octo: 8 is the magic number for any self respecting
orgy (office or otherwise). Just look at this freak below who is ready to go.
What a weirdo!!! But in a strange, enticing, sexually arousing sort of way... must be the pants. He is definitely looking for 7 more.
