So much in the month of February! Love, Olympics,
Presidents, Black History, White History oppressing Black History, my birthday,
Snow in weird places in your britches, trips to Utah to find your LDS soulmate
while killing yourself on a snowboard only to awake up drunk and alone in a hot
tub…. Okay, well that’s for most people, but you are unique. Hugs and Kisses.
So what to tackle? My birthday is next week, and that deserves a post unto
itself; therefore….. Love and Olympics! First off, Russia… you need to go to my
People and Change department and fix yoself. Who chose Sochi? Its 60 degrees!
Sure, I have done stupid things for mistresses (looking at you Putin) but Damn
son. Also, why did you insist on such tight clothing for the bobsledders? You
know they go only one speed… but I thought the term was you’re your socks off.
Should have said no to
that last dessert potato from the Sochi hotel… $hit… also drank the water. At least I chose wisely on the underwear.
So the Olympics are going on, but I have no TV. Not that I
am super upset, but its kind of Bull$hit as an American I can’t cheer my team
on through the internet. There are Kenyans that have a village tv and they all
watch for free… at least I think they do. I don’t know. Don’t care. Just gimme
free TV!! How else will I question everything in my life while watching the paired
figure skating and the dude does the credit card swipe hold on his partner
envisioning the orgy that is the Olympic village? HOW?!?! Answer that Big
Cable! You are bad as Big Tobacco… or Big Oil… or Big Lebowski. Fine, I take
the last one back. Now… Valentines Day! The most commercial holiday ever
invented by the CIA to keep rural teenage pregnancy high. I think I mixed
history there, but it’s okay.
Don't know how you guys are planning on spending your holiday (Vday or presidents day... or the whole weekend), but I think these ladies got it figured out.
I could give you the normal excuses. It’s too
commercial. Don’t tell me when to love. They don’t have steak and BJ day (March
14), so no Valentine’s day. My reason is simple. A. No one loves me. B. Its
like NYE or any other holiday. I admit I’m privileged, I can go out, buy a
steak dinner, a glass of wine, and not be swiping the EBT card next to the
Clermont afterward. Valentine’s day is horrible because all the good restaurants
become overcrowded. Big Restaurant (who looks like the hamburgler) knows this,
so he just tries to turn tables as quick as possible to fill his fat oil soaked
pockets with an overpriced prixe fixed menu that is easy to make, but lacks a
certain jenesequa… yea, I said it, jenesequa, and your dad’s a whore. So, the
whole holiday is horrible. Go out the day before, day after, just don’t go out
or make a meatloaf cake for your live-in hipster lowlife landlord that won’t
appreciate you for all the mannequin body parts you throw about the house
(Ahhhh… now this feels like home).
Much like a hipster or anyone that takes biking to seriously... seems like a good idea, but dating Katniss? She gets you into all sorts of crazy shit, she is incapable of emotion, will shoot your ass, and loves someone else... how is this a good idea? Not saying I wouldnt... just saying, Normalcy can be nice. A slice of apple instead of PCP. I tasted the apple, seems nice, stable, not going to cut me in my sleep.
Or go out. Do what my buddy did a few years ago. His name is….
Not Mathew Mcconaughey. So MM made a
reservation for two at the nicest place in the AT (yeap, you caught me, waffle
house), and sent a mass text out to not only every girl he was casually seeing,
but to exes, their friends, Moms, daughters, friends that were nurses,
morticians, you get the point. So, ordered a bottle of wine, and sat down. One
walked in, lovely date till another showed, got angry and left, then another,
and another. So this goes on for a while. He thought it was hilarious, but also
didn’t get it on GOPRO; therefore, he is a liar that can’t be trusted. I just
wanted it to end in a Mexican standoff.
I fully believe all dates should end like this. But thats cause I'm akin to the machine that is Eastwood, so I can never lose. Especially with a cigarello hanging from my lip. Anyways, have a blast with VD ... Valentine's Day! Love ya'll! Really... I do, come find me, I'm all alone and its dark. Especially on this side of the moon. Damn that speculative Moon options derivatives market.
